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Stillbirth: how to cope in the early days after losing your baby

Last modified on Thursday 13 October 2016

Having a stillborn baby is absolutely devastating for parents. And even contemplating how to cope, both physically and emotionally, can feel impossible. Here is what to expect in those early days, with advice from parents who've also experienced the terrible pain of losing their baby.

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When a baby dies , parents often describe initial feelings of absolute disbelief and numbness. Events seem to happen around them as they try to make sense of the devastating news that their baby is no longer alive.

While you're in hospital, staff should offer you any support, guidance and information that you need.

Some hospitals have specially trained Bereavement Midwives to support you through this incredibly distressing time.

Sands -The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity can also be an excellent source of practical information and emotional support.

Spending time with your baby

You may want to see, hold and spend time with your baby, and possibly allow other members of the family to do the same. However, you may not – there is no right or wrong.

Other Netmums, who have also sadly been through the trauma of stillbirth, tell us again and again that you have to do what feels right for you .

If you feel that you need some time to think about what you want to do, or ask questions before making the decision, hospital staff will be used to this. You should ask as many questions as you like.

'Spend as much time as you want with your baby. Don't feel as if there's any rush. Take time to look at your baby. If you feel it's right, ask siblings to come and meet their brother/sister. We didn't with our son, and it's something I'll regret.'

Your midwife is there to support you if you need her and will help you to take things at your own pace. Equally, at times, you may choose privacy and time together as a family.

'When they brought her up from the mortuary and I bathed her for her funeral she was very stiff, but it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I would do anything to feel like that again. I would say if you can spend all your time holding your baby and make the most of it.'

It's really important to remember that the decisions are yours and if something doesn't feel right for you then tell whoever is caring for you.

'I chose not to see her. My husband went to see her, held her in his arms and said goodbye because he felt he would regret it later (if he didn't). It's been almost six months and I still feel that I made the right decision not to see her, but I do look at her scan photo every morning when I open my eyes.'

The midwives caring for you will want to give you the opportunity to create memories of your baby.

'When I was told my baby's heart had stopped, I told the midwife that I didn't want to see her, that they should take her away straight after she was born. I delivered her a day later, and I of course had changed my mind. I'm so glad I did. She was beautiful, and perfect, with lots of black hair, long little fingers, a lovely round face. I'm glad I met her. My husband took some pictures. I wasn't sure at the time, but now I wish he had taken more.'

Taking photos and making memories

Although they may seem really hard decisions at the time, many parents find that in the future they treasure these memories. With this in mind,it's important to give yourself time to think about what is right for you.

'At first I was a little disturbed by having pictures taken – and I am so glad I did, but I requested that the photos be taken in black and white, although I did have some colour photos.'

Your midwife will probably offer to take photographs of your baby for you. Use your own camera to take your own as well if you would like to.

'Take pictures, not only of baby but as a family. Dress your baby in an outfit of your choice. We couldn't bath our daughter because we asked for a full post-mortem, but dressing your baby for the first and last time will give you some comfort.'

If you choose not to take photographs or ask that the midwife takes some, you can ask that they are stored safely by the hospital until you've decided whether you want to have them. You should be told who to contact if you do want the photographs.

Leaving the hospital

Leaving the hospital is likely to be a very emotional time. Many parents are keen to get home, but then find that trying to return to 'normal' life can be very difficult.

If friends and family offer practical help, accept it if you can. Many bereaved parents feel totally exhausted and unable to contemplate the normal routines of shopping and cooking.

'A neighbour kept bringing cooked meals for us and also some basics from the supermarket. Eating or cooking are the last thing on your mind.'

What happens next?

The hospital should inform your GP and Community Midwife so that they can offer you support at home. All mothers need postnatal care and a mother whose baby has died needs special care.

In many cases the GP and/or Midwife are notified automatically by the hospital and often respond sensitively and appropriately. If you don't hear from your GP or midwife within a day or so of coming home it may be an idea for someone (maybe a friend or a relative) to make contact with the surgery to ensure that they are aware of what has happened.

'I would have needed a midwife/GP visit or even a phone call during the days after leaving hospital. I had to ring my GP and break the news after four days of nobody checking whether we were still alive. The midwife came home to check me after six days. I was beside myself, not only grieving but full of hormones and also lactating. I can only describe those early days as being in hell.'

Even when a baby dies the mother's body may still produce milk and this can be deeply distressing for many parents.

There are ways of making this physically less uncomfortable or in some cases even suppressing the milk supply. Your GP or midwife will be able to advise you.

In addition, you and your partner may want the opportunity to talk things over and be offered some emotional as well as practical support.

For many mothers the combination of grief, hormones, physical discomfort from the birth and exhaustion can make the first few days and weeks enormously difficult. An understanding GP, midwife or health visitor can be a valuable source of support.

Unfortunately many parents continue to receive baby-related mail for a number of weeks or even months. This can feel emotionally very draining.

Use the free Baby Mailing Preference Service to help reduce some of this. If you have signed up to any baby-related clubs earlier in pregnancy you may have to contact them to stop the mailings. Again this may be something that a helpful friend or relative might be able to assist with.

For more support it may help you to talk to other parents who have been through the trauma of stillbirth in our dedicated Coffeehouse forum . They can share their own experiences and offer advice and help.