LIFE

Netmums Voices: PND … second time unlucky

Last modified on Thursday 26 September 2019

Wendy Golledge is the mother of two girls, Netmums’ Associate Editor and a freelance PR professional in the health, fitness and leisure industry.

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I'm on that TV game show. The one everyone loves to hate. Everyone I know is watching, waiting for me to answer the million-pound question. Chris Tarrant looks at me and asks: ‘Would you rather bungee jump off the Shard or admit to all your mummy mates that you had Postnatal Depression (PND)?’

No hesitation, pass me the harness...

I actually had that dream. More than once. My daughter was three years old. I was pregnant with our second daughter and terrified that, once she was born, PND would seek me out again. So terrified I had crazy Who Wants to be a Millionaire? dreams that I’ve never told anyone about until now.

And that's the biggest thing with PND. Having it is impossibly hard. Admitting you’ve had it is harder still. And worrying you’ll get it again is the hardest thing of all.

Seven months pregnant with my second child, Grace.

Postnatal depression: a silent epidemic

We'll talk about episiotomies, c-section scars and even our post-baby bowel habits with gay abandon. Hell, we even share the secrets of our (mostly non-existent) sex lives without batting an eyelid.

But to admit to my friends that, first time round, I’d been scared to be alone with my baby, that when she cried I’d been terrified she'd never stop and that, in the middle of the night, I’d begged for someone to come and take her away? Not on your nelly.

PND is, says the NHS , a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. Symptoms can include feelings of sadness and low mood, a lack of energy and difficulty bonding with your baby.

It's different from the baby blues. PND comes later. For me, the realisation took a whole year.

Postnatal depression: risk factors

My daughter was a tough cookie from the word ‘go’. When I look back at the risk factor checklist, I was a Grade A PND candidate ... Difficult c-section birth? Check. Inability to breastfeed? Check. No family nearby? Check. Bad sleeper? Hell yes. Plus, chuck chronic silent reflux (her), a house move and a wedding (me) into the mix.

But did I think I had depression? No. I thought I was just crap. Not up to the job. Missing that special something all my mum friends seemed to have. A bad mum getting it all wrong.

I had a misguided view depression meant spending half the day in bed and the other half lethargically watching Loose Women . And that wasn’t me. I couldn't relax in case it left room for thinking, so I booked us onto every baby class going, went for coffee dates (that she screamed through), pushed myself to clean the house, cook dinner and make her food from scratch, all while ensuring she had a watertight routine. And if we started to stray from that routine? Meltdown. I was like an army sergeant.

'Within a year, I could look back and see how far I’d come.'

My PND diagnosis

Eventually, after one particularly sleepless night and a full-on row, my husband frog-marched me to the GP. Surprisingly quickly (I waited a month) I had six free NHS sessions, which led to medication with anti-depressants a month later.

Agreeing to take these was, for me, my lowest point. I just felt there was a stigma around anti-depressants; to me they meant failure. My GP and counsellor spent a lot of time explaining my serotonin levels were low and anti-depressants would give me the boost I needed to feel better, but I still felt like I should be able to cope on my own.

Despite my reservations, it was the best thing I could have done.

Within a year, I could look back and see how far I’d come. I finally felt like I ‘got’ being a mum. I started exercising, which helped immeasurably, and, within two years, I was off medication and enjoying my daughter in a way I could never have imagined in those first 12 months.

'Within two years, I was off medication and enjoying time with my daughter again.'

PND take two

And then the niggle for number two started. I wanted another baby. It took me months to persuade my husband to start trying – he openly admitted he didn’t think he could go back to those dark PND days.

PND affects 1 in every 10 women in the UK and, according to the PANDAS Foundation , there’s a one in two chance that if you’ve had PND in your first pregnancy, you’ll get it again.

I did my research. I knew the risks. But broodiness won and I convinced my husband everything would be FINE! If I’m honest, I stuck my head in the sand and didn’t think it through – I wanted another baby and wasn’t prepared to consider anything that might stop me.

When I first got pregnant, I was too sick to even worry about PND. But as my due date drew nearer, anticipation of how bad it might get sent me spiralling. I became anxious, snappy and argumentative. Negativity and not being able to see any positives had been a huge trait of my first bout of depression and these started to return.

'There’s a one in two chance that if you’ve had PND in your first pregnancy, you’ll get it again.'

Coping techniques

The key difference was I saw my counsellor Kate throughout my second pregnancy. She taught me how to identify signs I wasn’t coping – triggers from before like being ‘ruled’ by an impossible to-do list, never slowing down or allowing myself time to stop and think – and more importantly, with her help, I opened up, talked to my friends about my previous PND and learned to ask for help. First time round, admitting I needed anyone else would have been impossible.

Kate worked with me to spot my anxiety triggers, which usually centred around the unpredictability of babies and a lack of routine – and I learned to ‘zoom out’ of my own head and look down on myself.

Literally we practiced me imagining myself with a jet pack, zooming up into the sky and then looking down at ‘me’ on earth. It was a technique that always put difficult situations into perspective.

Once my daughter arrived, I did struggle with anxiety, and felt myself becoming ruled by routine or obsessed with ‘achieving’, but I had a network of people looking out for me. I saw my GP monthly and Kate every fortnight.

Despite this, when my daughter was five months old, I was diagnosed with PND again. There was no crunch moment this time; I was being seen regularly by a health visitor and at one visit she asked the questions on the Edinburgh postnatal depression scale (EPDS), which GPs use to diagnose PND. They revealed I ‘had’ PND but it couldn’t have been a more different experience.

I didn’t fight the diagnosis, I didn’t feel anywhere near as lost as I had the first time round and I already had support in place. I was honest with myself and asked for help on the low days.

I exercised as often as I could – even a walk to the shop gave me time to step out of my own head and ‘look down’ on myself. That space allowed me to stop small worries spiralling into huge ones. I didn’t need medication and, within three months, the fog lifted. And I never got to the point where I’d have bungeed off the Shard rather than admit I was struggling.

What I’ve learnt as a PND mum

Just because you’re struggling, doesn’t mean you’re failing.

If I could tell another PND mum three things

1 Talk to someone … anyone … about how you’re REALLY feeling; it’s the first step to being better.

2 It’s ok to admit you love your baby but you’re not loving motherhood, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

3 Don’t be scared of taking medication – you wouldn’t refuse meds if you were diabetic, or had cancer, why decline them for depression?

The parent like me that I look up to is …

My best friend. A permanent optimist, she has a chilled take on parenting that I can only envy and aim to emulate. For her, routine is a dirty word and winging it is her day-to-day. She’s pulled me out of a hole and helped me see the joy of being a mum more times than I can remember.

Have you suffered from PND? How do you feel about Wendy's story? Join in the chat below and read other parents' experiences ...

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