PARENTING

Parenting expert does NOT believe in bedtimes and says sleep should be child-led

First published on Wednesday 29 March 2023

Former nanny Kirsty Ketley thinks her approach to bedtime makes for a more harmonious evening routine for the whole family

So what's bedtime like in your house? A bath, book, then duvet time, with your little one gently snoring before you've even closed their bedroom door?

Or a riot of rows, tears, and tantrums (and that's just from you) from 7pm onwards, as you desperately try to get your child in to their bed and persuade them to stay there ?

Well, if it is the latter (and yeah... it's almost ALWAYS the latter...) you might want to re-think your bedtime routine and give parenting expert Kirsty Ketley's approach a try instead....

'Parents can focus too much on a set time'

Speaking to the Mirror, Kirsty shared her secrets for implementing a successful sleep routine, based on her 25 years experience as a nanny, and now as a parent to two children.

And one thing she doesn't think always works is a set bedtime routine, where children have to be under the covers and ready to sleep at a certain time.

Parenting and sleep expert Kirsty Ketley
Parenting and sleep expert Kirsty Ketley

'I think parents can focus too much on a set time that the children have to be asleep ,' she told the paper. She added that while she does 'see the merit' in having a routine, she thinks it can be impossible to keep, leaving parents feeling frustrated when either the family schedule means it has to be changed, or the kids just won't settle.

And after years of following routines that the families whom she nannied for wanted for their children, Kirsty decided to try a different approach when she had her own kids.

'Be more child-led while keeping some structure'

The child-led bedtime routine that Kirsty advocates involves letting the children decide, or indicate, when they're ready for bed. But there ARE some ground rules.

For her own children this involves always having the same routine pre-bedtime, which consists of no screen time for the last half an hour before bed, and reading a book with the lights dimmed in preparation for sleep.

She advises parents not to 'fixate' on a specific time, but instead have a series of wind-down measures in place so children become sleepy naturally.

'You can't be too strict on a certain time. But the lead-up to bedtime I think needs to be the same,' she said.

Why the no-screen rule is particularly important

Kirsty explains that there has been a lot of research that shows watching TV right up until you go to bed doesn't promote good sleep, nor does looking at electronic devices.

'We all know that as adults if we're scrolling on our phones before bed it can impact our sleep and it's the same with children,' she said, suggesting that playing soothing, relaxing music before bed is a much better alternative.

One size does not fit all with sleep

It's important to understand your child's individual sleep needs, and not necessarily follow guidelines on how many hours your children should be getting at a certain age to the letter.

Kirsty cites her own daughter as a prime example of this:

'We realised that she survived really well just on 10 hours sleep. Of course, all the books and things would always tell you your child needs 12 hours sleep. But even now she can go to bed around nine o'clock and sleeps for 10 hours, and she thrives really well on that.'

Conversely, her son is 'more of a 12-hour sleeper' and they know his routine has to involve more shut-eye. 'It's just very individual; they both had the same upbringing, I've done the same things, but both of them are very different in how they sleep,' she explained.

Make sure your child is comfortable for sleep

Checking that your little one's room is neither too hot nor too cold, and that they have a bath or shower before bed so they are warm and relaxed will pay dividends, according to Kirsty, who also suggests teaching your child ' mindfulness breathing techniques ' to help them self-settle once under the covers.

Kirsty's advice for Netmums

Speaking to Netmums, Kirsty elaborated further on her child-led bedtime stance, telling us:

'Not dictating sleep by what time it is and going by their cues instead has helped both my children understand when they are tired and need to sleep, and stopped any battles around bedtime.

'Of course, there are times when they will want to stay up a bit later even though it is very obvious that they are tired,' she added, 'but they are generally very good at heading to bed without fuss and both sleep very well.

'Both go to bed around the same times each night and wake around the same times in the morning, having as much sleep as is right for them, but they may end up asleep earlier or later depending on their day and needs.'

Does this sound like it could work for you? Are you open to being guided by your kids when it comes to bedtime, or are you very much a 'lights out by 7.30' parent?

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