Sharon Bryan from the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) helps victims recognise the signs of emotional, financial, sexual and physical abuse.

It can be extremely hard for victims of domestic abuse to recognise they are in fact victims.

While cuts and bruises are obvious signs of physical abuse, other forms of abuse, including emotional, financial and sexual abuse are much harder for the victim to spot, accept or understand.

Sharon Bryan from The National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) said it's key victims realise they don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse.

'I had a client who, for a long time who couldn't get her head around the fact her partner was being abusive,' she said.

'It took her months and months of weekly secret sessions to get her to understand that he was being abusive.

'It could be due to shame, embarrassment, or the fact that what he's doing isn't necessarily conforming to what you thought domestic abuse is.

'Most don't want the relationship to end, they want the abuse to stop.

'The problem is, by staying with them, it's telling them that their behaviour is OK.'

Sharon, 55, who has 23 years' frontline experience of working with the victims of domestic abuse – and is herself a domestic abuse survivor – says there are several questions people in relationships should ask themselves, to help recognise if they're being abused.

*For consistency, this article mentions 'women' throughout the article as an example of a domestic abuse victim, but it's important to stress, victims can be both men and women, as can perpetrators.*

Domestic abuse and violence is the misuse of power and control by one person over another – usually men over women, but it can be the other way around.

Fear is a major tactic used by perpetrators of domestic abuse and violence to establish exactly who is the boss. Some important questions to ask yourself include:

• Does he use bullying tactics, banging and smashing things to make you jump and keep you feeling like a nervous wreck?
• Does he often get in your personal space, get right up in your face and shout at you?
• Does he forbid you from expressing your own opinion or get angry when you do?
• Does he intimidate members of your family or friends or behave in an embarrassing way when they visit, making them feel uncomfortable about visiting you?

Physical Abuse

Answer these questions:

• Do you ever tell yourself that ‘he won’t hurt me again’?
• Have you ever been hit, shaken or burned with a cigarette?
• Have you ever been pinched, slapped, kicked, punched, pushed, bitten or choked?
• Has your partner ever driven a car recklessly whilst you were in it, until you thought you were going to die?
• Has your partner smashed up your belongings in an effort to get you to do things his way?
• Have you had things thrown at you?
• Do you flinch when he raises his hand or voice, or even when he walks towards you?
• Have you ever had bruises or cuts as a result of an assault?
• Have you ever ended up in hospital as a result of your partner assaulting you?

It doesn’t matter if any of these things have happened many times or just once. It is still physical abuse and they do it simply because they can.

Pregnancy can be a catalyst for domestic abuse. It can often be the thing that starts it off. The abuse of power thrives at the sight of vulnerability.

The demands of an abuser to always be the centre of attention obviously goes out of the window when a pregnancy happens.

Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Sometimes, the abusive person does not need to use physical abuse. They have got the power and control they require without having to use it.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you constantly belittled and told everything is your fault?
• Are you told that you are stupid and worthless?
• Are you called derogatory names such as fat or ugly or humiliated in private or in public?
• Does he cry, say sorry and behave as if he is truly sorry for what he has said or done to you?
• Does he swear it will never happen again?
• Does he tell you he loves you so much, he would never want to hurt you?
• Does he throw tantrums to get his own way?
• Does he use the threat of killing himself to make you do what he wants you to do?
• Does he manipulate the children, undermine your authority or buy them things and try to turn them against you?
• Does he threaten to harm your family members or your friends?
• Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?
• Do you feel able to speak your mind and talk freely with him in the same room?
• Does he blame you for his abusive behaviour?
• Does he blame you for making him angry?
• Do you apologise for things you are not even guilty of just to keep the peace?
• Does he blame everyone else for the problems in your relationship.
• Is he so controlling that he makes you feel that you are just an extension of him and have no identity of your own?
• Does he check up on you?
• Does he watch the clock and time when you have been out?
• Does he ask you who you have been with?
• Does he accuse you of having an affair?
• If you go out, does he ring you and text you so much that you feel it is not worth going out?

When your ‘no’ is not good enough, respected or even heard, THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE. When he threatens to hurt or kill himself if you don’t do what he says or wants, THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

When you are blamed for everything that goes wrong and when you are intimidated into doing things you would never normally do, THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

If he does any of the above, he is taking away your power of choice. THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Financial Abuse

Ask yourself these questions:

• Does he keep very tight reins on you financially?
• Does he claim the benefits in his name and give you what he thinks you should have?
• Does he run up debts in your name?
• Does he withhold money from you?
• Do you have to show him till receipts when you have been shopping?
• Do you have to ask him for money?

You may feel forced to work and then he takes your wages away from you. Or he may not allow you to work for fear of the independence you will have if you do.

Financial abuse happens when you have to ask or beg for money for basic necessities such as food, hygiene supplies, clothes for yourself and the children and other personal items.

Sexual Abuse

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you feel forced to have sex when you don’t want to?
• Does he get angry with you if you say no?
• Does he force you to have sex if you say no?
• Does he touch you and continue if you tell him to stop?
• Does he make you touch him when you don’t want to?

All these things are abusive. No means no – even if you are married! If your ‘no’ is not listened to or respected, this is rape.

How the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) can help

The NCDV is a community interest company which can help domestic abuse victims – both men and women – seek injunctions against perpetrators including:

• Non-Molestation Order – preventing contact
• Occupation Order – ordering a person to leave a property for a period of time
• Prohibited Steps Order – to prohibit someone from changing a child’s name and/or prohibit a person from removing a child from the jurisdiction of England and Wales.

The orders are all civil orders, not criminal orders, made in the family/civil courts.

A breach of a non-molestation injunction is an arrestable offence.  Some Occupation Orders come with a power of arrest attached, but not all.

A prohibited steps order does not have a power of arrest attached. However, a breach can be punishable by up to two years imprisonment and/or a £5,000 fine.

NCDV will help victims with all aspects of securing these orders for free.

Where can I get help?

Contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence: 0800 970 2070

Contact the freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247

Contact the ManKind Initiative for male domestic abuse victims: 01823 334244

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