Separation anxiety 12 year old

6 answers /

Last post: 24/03/2023 at 1:11 am

SHELLEY T(121)
Shelley T(121)
19/03/2023 at 9:34 am

I need some help, my 12 year daughter is struggling with separation anxiety after a traumatic event where her dad was attacked. She dealt with it at the time but it seems to have appeared months later and is constantly worrying about me and her dad. She doesn’t want us to go anywhere without her and we are struggling with doing the stuff we would normally do. It’s my birthday and I have made plans to socalize with friends one evening as I would normally do, her grandma is coming to our home to watch her and her brother whilst I go but already she is panicking and begging me not to go. I feel guilty but everyone’s telling me not to give in as it’s not helping her in the long run. What do I do? How can I help her?

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KAYLEIGH W(312)
Kayleigh W(312)
19/03/2023 at 11:50 am

Hi Shelley,


I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. You really want to support your daughter with her separation anxiety, but you also deserve the opportunity to have time for you and celebrate your birthday.


After a traumatic experience, sometimes people will experience a delayed reaction and I wonder if this is what is happening for your daughter. Has she received any support following this incident? If she initially seemed to be coping well, I imagine this may not have felt needed but it could be beneficial for her now. As a first step, you could speak with her GP about this and they will be able to refer her for further help.


Young mind’s have some helpful advice on supporting children with anxiety here: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/anxiety/#Howtohelpyourchildmanagetheiranxiety


Feelings of uncertainty can fuel anxious feelings, so it may be helpful for your daughter to have details of what she can expect when the two of you are separated. You have already done a good job in setting some expectations for her, that she will be at home and her grandma will be there to watch her. I wonder if it would be possible to give a timeframe of when you would expect to be home too?


Wishing you all the best,


Kayleigh

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SHELLEY T(121)
Shelley T(121)
19/03/2023 at 12:55 pm
In answer to
Kayleigh W(312)

Hi Shelley,


I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. You really want to support your daughter with her separation anxiety, but you also deserve the opportunity to have time for you and celebrate your birthday.


After a traumatic experience, sometimes people will experience a delayed reaction and I wonder if this is what is happening for your daughter. Has she received any support following this incident? If she initially seemed to be coping well, I imagine this may not have felt needed but it could be beneficial for her now. As a first step, you could speak with her GP about this and they will be able to refer her for further help.


Young mind’s have some helpful advice on supporting children with anxiety here: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/anxiety/#Howtohelpyourchildmanagetheiranxiety


Feelings of uncertainty can fuel anxious feelings, so it may be helpful for your daughter to have details of what she can expect when the two of you are separated. You have already done a good job in setting some expectations for her, that she will be at home and her grandma will be there to watch her. I wonder if it would be possible to give a timeframe of when you would expect to be home too?


Wishing you all the best,


Kayleigh

Thank you so much for your reply and everything you have suggested. She is receiving counseling at school because they picked up on her worry about me whilst she was there so they are being supportive. I have discussed with her about the help that she can get and would like her to go to the GP but she refuses and then won’t talk about it anymore. I’m at a loss with what to do! As for my birthday, am I being selfish for going? Should I just cancel it? I don’t want to cause her any upset but if she had her way I wouldn’t leave her at all and I know that’s not practical. I’ve gave her a time scale of what I’ll be doing and also where I will be and who I will be with and said she can contact me at any time aswel as my friends who I’ll be with but that still isn’t good enough. I’ve stopped socializing and restrict it to once a month just because it doesn’t feel worth it but i think I’ve done her more harm then good because now she thinks if she doesn’t speak to me or gets upset, I won’t go. I can’t carry on like this though as I’m feeling trapped and like I can’t leave the house!

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EMMA P(906)92272
Emma P(906)92272
19/03/2023 at 7:57 pm
In answer to
Shelley T(121)

Thank you so much for your reply and everything you have suggested. She is receiving counseling at school because they picked up on her worry about me whilst she was there so they are being supportive. I have discussed with her about the help that she can get and would like her to go to the GP but she refuses and then won’t talk about it anymore. I’m at a loss with what to do! As for my birthday, am I being selfish for going? Should I just cancel it? I don’t want to cause her any upset but if she had her way I wouldn’t leave her at all and I know that’s not practical. I’ve gave her a time scale of what I’ll be doing and also where I will be and who I will be with and said she can contact me at any time aswel as my friends who I’ll be with but that still isn’t good enough. I’ve stopped socializing and restrict it to once a month just because it doesn’t feel worth it but i think I’ve done her more harm then good because now she thinks if she doesn’t speak to me or gets upset, I won’t go. I can’t carry on like this though as I’m feeling trapped and like I can’t leave the house!

Hi Shelley,


I'm Emma, I work alongside Kayleigh here at Netmums as a Parent Supporter also. Thank you for your response and letting us know a little more about your daughter.


You are not at all being selfish for wanting to have some 'me' time, especially on your Birthday, you deserve it. It sounds like you are putting all the rights steps in place to support your daughter and she is receiving counselling which will help too with her anxiety.


Offering space to talk and allowing your daughter to feel heard is exactly what you are giving her right now. It will take some time but the more she sees you following your normal routine and returning safely, eventually it will turn into comfort that you can leave, return and be 'ok'. We have published an article here on Netmums about it if you would like to a take a look Shelley, Separation Anxiety In Teenagers - Netmums .


Do let us know how you get on, Happy Mother's Day to you too.


Take care,

Emma

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STACEY W(483)
Stacey W(483)
23/03/2023 at 7:26 pm
In answer to
Shelley T(121)

Thank you so much for your reply and everything you have suggested. She is receiving counseling at school because they picked up on her worry about me whilst she was there so they are being supportive. I have discussed with her about the help that she can get and would like her to go to the GP but she refuses and then won’t talk about it anymore. I’m at a loss with what to do! As for my birthday, am I being selfish for going? Should I just cancel it? I don’t want to cause her any upset but if she had her way I wouldn’t leave her at all and I know that’s not practical. I’ve gave her a time scale of what I’ll be doing and also where I will be and who I will be with and said she can contact me at any time aswel as my friends who I’ll be with but that still isn’t good enough. I’ve stopped socializing and restrict it to once a month just because it doesn’t feel worth it but i think I’ve done her more harm then good because now she thinks if she doesn’t speak to me or gets upset, I won’t go. I can’t carry on like this though as I’m feeling trapped and like I can’t leave the house!

Oh my heart aches for your daughter and I hope your husband is OK. No you are not selfish. You deserve some "me" time. I really wouldn't let my daughter dictate when she should go to the GP or not as this could develope into a serious mental health condition as its already on its way. I know she won't like it but it's important to get a referral to CAMHS. You can also go to the GP on her behalf without her and tell your concerns to the GP. You need to try and nip this in the bud before it gets worse. She will thank you in the long run. Good luck.

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LAURA H(2605)
Laura H(2605)
24/03/2023 at 1:11 am

I'd go out short times at a time an hour or two she isn't being left alone she's with a adult


Could you face time her when out could u discuss what would make her feel better

Make sure she's going somewhere fun when your out. I have a near 12 year old 5 and 4 year old I don't leave them as they don't like it so I don't and I don't mind that as want them be happy. We all do things together does she have siblings or a friend who can come round when you go out keep her busy x

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