Heartbroken at lack of sex
6 answers /
Last post: 11/04/2023 at 9:35 am
I am a man, av height with athletic build, 40s , married over 15 years, with my partner over 20 years in total. We love one another and have more than 1 wonderful, well behaved, intelligent child. Over the years our sex life has dwindled and in the past 8 months we've had sex twice, once being holiday. We used to have great foreplay and spontaneous mutual climax sex. Around 2 years into marriage I remember my wife saying "I sometimes pretend I'm asleep as I can't bear the thought of having sex". I was often the instigator but never rough and always consensual. I cried like a baby in front of her when she said this but this thought never left me. Conceiving children boosted our sex life again but her weight gain and a Caesarean left my wife feeling insecure and since then things have struggled. She never likes discussing or analysing sex. Quite often she would spontaneously pleasure me by hand (I would offer to reciprocate) but she said no and she was happy to carry on. I felt wanted and it was a physical release but she seemed unexcited by the act. She was only truly enthusiastic if sex meant another pregnancy but otherwise less keen. If I tried it on she would say "why is it always about sex?" I replied that it wasn't and that I often just cuddled her... but she turns me on and sex is a normal progression. The next years of parenting have carried on thus; me cuddling her around the house, instigating lovemaking, her turning down my offer to perform oral, reluctant foreplay and missionaryqqq with me climaxing too early amidst great insecurity. I tried delayed climax condoms which left her sore due to my artificially wwèprolonged staying power. Every excuse is offered not to have sex "I'm tired, you're up early, it's late" even at weekends or on holiday. She won't shower with me. I have told her countless times how much I am attracted to her, how I think she is beautiful, curvaceous, her smell is intoxicating. I also tell her how much I appreciate what she does for our children. I help with housework, cooking, getting children to clubs, homework, DIY. I am not a drinker or a sport watcher. We are close as a family. She is the breadwinner in a high pressure job. I have a lower income but also in a high pressure job. It is not a well paid industry but she knew wwèthat when we met. She thinks she is menopausal due to years of irregular periods, tiredness and mood swings. She admits she has no sex drive but her eyes light up for certain actors on TV. I am no model but I am quite toned and slim and take care of my personal hygiene and grooming. I do sometimes have bad skin around my chin (acne) and on my abdomen which is due to a self-harming / picking which I do when I leave the shower and find her asleep. It is perpetuated by this situation in part. I am largely healed and scars faded. When I walk naked into bed she does not bat an eyelid from her book or phone and says goodnight without so much as a kiss. I feel so irrelevant and last night I went and cried bitterly downstairs. I always sleep naked, she in pyjamas and knickers. Some nights I spoon with her and my "alert anatomy" aligns with her thighs / bum and if I am pent up her slight movement may result in an accidental release. Sometimes she has acted disgusted and violated. If she spoons me she deliberately avoids her hand touching my erect p_nis even though she knows how much I like it. It is as if she is repulsed. Tonight I placed my hand on her bum and must've inadvertently grazed her thigh causing her to twitch angrily and what I thought was a gentle, loving touch outside of her clothes.
My questions are:
Does this sound like menopause?
Am I being selfish?
Is my accidental c_m on her wrong or cause for annoyance or a normal, innocent reaction to a sexy female body?
Is it wrong for me to want her to masturbate me to retain a close feeling when she does not want sex herself?
I stated doing sit ups in front of her and she asked if I was going to have an affair as I'd also asked her to Immac my back. I said no, I just wanted her to find me attractive.
I have started to look into chemical castration as I am struggling to get 5 hours' sleep due a combination of being too turned on by her, sadness / worry about my appearance, watching porn as a very unsatisfying substitute for sex.
I cannot leave her. I love her deeply and I wouldn't do that to my children, but I have suicidal thoughts as well.
Please, if you have any ideas or comments, even if I am in the wrong, I am desperate both sexually and emotionally. Thank you.
Hi,
Oh dear, you sound really quite sad and lonely with how things are with your wife right now.
How old is she? Peri menopause can begin anytime from 40 onwards and it is a slow process of potentially many ups and downs.
The sex drive can dwindle and re ignite at any time and that is pretty normal in peri ( I think!)
Have you thought about relationship counselling at all?
Is this something which you may think will help?
The thing here is, that you are clearly a sexual person and she at the moment, is not. You have needs and these ought to be considered in all of this. Maybe start right back at the begining and just start by holding hands and cuddling briefly.
You say you cannot leave her, but how long do you antcipate this spell to last for? If it is a permanent fixture in your relatiosnhip, you may struggle. Think about potentially the next 30-35 years with no sexual relationship. That is going to be tough I think.
Would she be allow you a FB? That might give you what you need and you get to continue with other aspects of your relationship?
Hi,
Oh dear, you sound really quite sad and lonely with how things are with your wife right now.
How old is she? Peri menopause can begin anytime from 40 onwards and it is a slow process of potentially many ups and downs.
The sex drive can dwindle and re ignite at any time and that is pretty normal in peri ( I think!)
Have you thought about relationship counselling at all?
Is this something which you may think will help?
The thing here is, that you are clearly a sexual person and she at the moment, is not. You have needs and these ought to be considered in all of this. Maybe start right back at the begining and just start by holding hands and cuddling briefly.
You say you cannot leave her, but how long do you antcipate this spell to last for? If it is a permanent fixture in your relatiosnhip, you may struggle. Think about potentially the next 30-35 years with no sexual relationship. That is going to be tough I think.
Would she be allow you a FB? That might give you what you need and you get to continue with other aspects of your relationship?
I also think she is probably being quite cruel to you. Sounds a bit like emotional neglect?
Your choices in my opinion ( and it is just an opinion) i think are:
- Accept how things are and forget an intimate relationship.
- Find a FB and stay married.
- Leave the marriage.
What will you do OP? Any thoughts?
Thanks for your thoughts.
I will not be doing anything outside the marriage. I made my vows and intend to stick by them. I would sooner work at what I have and try to fix the problems than create a problem from which there is no going back, plus it would break up the family and I would not want that for my children. Their security and happiness come before my own. My wife is aware how upset I have been recently and recognises that there is an issue. I also acknowledge it is not just my feelings, and that period menopause could have a lot to answer for. We have a lot of work to do but I am not giving up on my marriage.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I will not be doing anything outside the marriage. I made my vows and intend to stick by them. I would sooner work at what I have and try to fix the problems than create a problem from which there is no going back, plus it would break up the family and I would not want that for my children. Their security and happiness come before my own. My wife is aware how upset I have been recently and recognises that there is an issue. I also acknowledge it is not just my feelings, and that period menopause could have a lot to answer for. We have a lot of work to do but I am not giving up on my marriage.
Good for you to want to work on your marriage. If part or all of the issue is peri menopause, then things can be done to ease that transition.
I was similar to your wife; couldn’t stand being touched, let alone anything else. I’m older now, menopause has set in and I feel very liberated sexually, in the sense that my desire has returned and my inhibitions have vanished.
Best of luck to you both 😀
