Just need to vent!

10 answers /

Last post: 18/03/2023 at 10:31 pm

AMIE L(4)849988
Amie L(4)849988
06/03/2023 at 11:22 pm

I just need to vent, I feel like I’m going mad…

My OH and I had a beautiful baby girl almost 4 months ago, she is our only child together, I have 3 older children and he has 1 child from his previous relationship.

Our baby was very much planned and wanted, but I noticed things changing when I was pregnant. He became extremely unhelpful, unsupportive, and just genuinely unenthusiastic about everything.

I tried to speak to him about it but he said I was being paranoid and it was my hormones, which made me feel even more alone as I was questioning my feelings constantly and wondering it I was just imagining it all.

After our baby was born, he was great for the first week, but come the second week, life for him returned pretty much back to normal, and he was back at work (he was only granted 1 week of paternity leave), but worse still, he was back out most evenings in the week with the various clubs and sports teams that he’s a member of, and it’s been pretty much the same ever since.

He’s out 3/4 evenings a week, and often not getting in until late. Even if our baby is having an unsettled day and is crying and I’m struggling, he’ll still go and out, and won’t ever seem bothered that he’s leaving us.

My other kids, who are in the teens have all noticed it and it really bothers them, they’ve said to me many times that they think it’s out of order and not fair on me.

Im exclusively breastfeeding, so I’m up every night at least twice, and he will never offer to let me have a nap and take the baby for a while so I can get some rest.

He does nothing around the house, and spends most of the time on his phone on SM.

He will come in from work and go straight on his phone and sometimes won’t even look at our baby let alone ask to take her even for a cuddle because he’s maybe missed her.

His son stays with us every other weekend and has challenging behaviour, I’m pretty sure he plays up more for his dad, who often doesn’t engage with him or have any constructive conversation with him. It’s been me that’s been constantly trying to help him to parent him properly, and encourage him to teach his boy manners and basic hygiene.

I have to plan days out for them so they can have 1:1 time, remind him to get food in the house for him prior to him staying, prompt him to speak to his teacher is he has concerns, etc.

He’s got a little better with him, but it’s never consistent, and I find myself dreading the weekends that his boy stays because it’s such hard work, and it shouldn’t be me doing it when I have my own kids to think about and a very young baby to look after.

Ive tried to talk to him about it so many times, but he just doesn’t seem to get it, he never seems remorseful or sorry, he just says stuff like “I’m just a bloke, you have to tell me if I’m doing stuff wrong, otherwise I won’t know…”, this really frustrates me, hes 40 and was in a previous 16 year relationship, so how does he still not get it!!?.

Im at the end of my tether, my kids are telling me to leave him -he isn’t great with them, and can be quite rude about them, which also infuriates me as I’m always trying to be patient with his son even though his behaviour is so bad.

I’m planning one more talk with him and this time I’m giving him an ultimatum, he needs to start stepping up or it’s over.

I really don’t want it to be over, especially as we’ve bought this beautiful little girl into the world, she didn’t ask for all of this!, it breaks my heart, the whole situation….. but I’m exhausted with being left alone constantly, and feeling like I’m parenting my OH and his son 🤦‍♀️.

I have cried so many tears during these past few months, and for a new mum in the postpartum stage, that really is ***** 😭.

1
KAYLEIGH W(312)
Kayleigh W(312)
07/03/2023 at 9:28 pm

Hi Amie,


I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. Sending you a big hug, it sounds like you are getting no support from your partner with your daughter and this is really draining for you. You mentioned you are also doing a lot to support his son from a previous relationship, whilst he is not engaging with him. Ultimately, you are left juggling a lot at home on your own right now and understandably you are left wanting more from him.


You mentioned ‘ He’s out 3/4 evenings a week, and often not getting in until late. Even if our baby is having an unsettled day and is crying and I’m struggling, he’ll still go and out, and won’t ever seem bothered that he’s leaving us .’

This sounds really hard Amie, I imagine it hurts to feel he doesn’t miss spending time with you and your daughter. It sounds like he is rarely at home and when he is you are finding that he is disconnected and not wanting to have quality time with your daughter.


From his perspective, could he be struggling to bond with your daughter? This could be leading to this distanced behaviour. He may be lacking confidence in caring for her, or in how to feel close with her.


You have tried to confront him about how you’re feeling, but it sounds like you’re left feeling unheard, there is an excuse of ‘ I’m just a bloke’ which feels like shirking responsibility. I think you are right to set boundaries, you need something to change and you want to communicate how badly this is affecting you.


I wonder if there are other people in your life that you can reach out to support? You deserve some space for yourself as well and it sounds like this is near impossible at the moment whilst there is so little help at home.


If you would like some further help from the parent supporter team, please make a thread in our drop in clinic here: https://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/drop-clinic-984/


Take care,


Kayleigh

0
GILLIAN C(54)
Gillian C(54)
16/03/2023 at 12:07 pm

You are unhappy. Your older children are telling you they are unhappy. He’s disinterested in his son and shows little or no interest in you or your baby. He wants you to mother him as well as everyone else. I don’t know what you are getting out of this arrangement and agree with your children.

7
KIRSTY S(997)
Kirsty S(997)
16/03/2023 at 12:25 pm

Hi hun, firstly congrats on your new beautiful baby, I’m 17wks and looking forward to meeting my little bean as I call them. I just wanted to say how sorry I’am that your going through this. I’ve kind of been suffering the same fate as you. I have 4 children with my ex husband and they’re 10,9,9 and 6 and my partner and I are were expecting our first together. We’ve only been together 4 months and in that time I’ve been doing EVERYTHING….. He didn’t start out like this trust me, but slowly and surly out came the phone which controlled his life and attitude towards me and my children. Not helping around the house, being rude to the girls and making fun of their over sweating conditions, swearing at them when they didn’t listen or messed around. I asked him to stop swearing but he just said his family all swear and just his way, he had excuses for everything. You might have noticed that I’m taking about him in the past tense…. that would be because on Sunday he had a hissy fit when the girls woke him up at 7.30am and decided to scream the house down telling them off, in the process woke me and my eldest up, stormed back to bed and then moan about the dog snoring too loudly so got up went downstairs and went straight onto Facebook and post up asking if anyone knew of any rooms or flats available for asap 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 He then came back upstairs and told me so I said yes I’ve seen it, probably for the best if this is how he acts and with that he packed his bags in front of my girls told them he’s leaving as him and mummy don’t get on and bam…. he left us and has gone awol since Sunday night after trying to break into my house. I’ve since found out that this isn’t the first time he’s acted like this in relationships so he’s clearly just not the family man he painted himself out to be. The moral of my story is, if your kids aren’t happy and your not happy and he’s done nothing to help you then do what is best for all of you and end things. Get your lives back on track and focus just on each other because you deserve so much more just like my family does 🥰❤️ Tc and all the best for the future. Xxxx

4
LOU C(70)
Lou C(70)
16/03/2023 at 12:33 pm

Sorry your having to go through all this, you sound a lot more patient than I'd be! He really doesn't sound like a good partner at all, and you sound like youd actually be better off without him with you and your kids, since your doing it all anyway. I'd make it clear to him how serious you are, and what you need but tbh I don't think he'll ever change.


Your reason for staying doesn't sound strong enough - no your daughter doesn't deserve this, but he's not there for her anyway, so as she grows up she'll start to notice that .


Life's too short, you could meet someone else down the line whose loving and supportive, and I think you need to think how this could impact your older kids if you stay and continue to be treated poorly , without sounding preachy you need to be a good role model for their future relationships & decisions/self esteem

4
VICKY R(435)
Vicky R(435)
16/03/2023 at 12:35 pm

You sound exhausted.


I'm with your teenagers on this. Leave. You will have one less child to look after and parent.


he seems a total waste of space

3

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EMMA R(6)
Emma R(6)
16/03/2023 at 1:55 pm

You've given us a great list of reasons to leave ... it's very persuasive.


This raises the question: what are your reasons to stay?


It sounds like you're just his replacement mother/maid: looking after him and his son so he doesn't have to. There's no evidence that he'll be a good father when she gets older - because he's already not that to the child he has.


So ... what's in the relationship for you. Rather than reasons why you should leave - what are your reasons to stay. What does he bring to the relationship if it's not love, care, affection, wisdom or even his time?


It sounds very much like your kids are right here - why are you staying?

3
ASH(140)
Ash(140)
16/03/2023 at 9:05 pm

How they treat you is how they feel about you. Don't try to decode it or make excuses. It's simple if they act like they don't care, they don't. If they truly loved you they wouldn't put you in a position where you have to wonder why they act the way they do, but claim they love you. They'd just act right and show you what your fully worth!


You deserve better, listen to your kids, they need you!

2
ANDRE H(5)
Andre H(5)
18/03/2023 at 10:26 pm

I have total sympathy. Men can be such selfish blockheads, but given this is a new baby, they say that the first two years with any baby are the worst. I think you should try to give him time to change. It might be hell but if you can get through these first two years it might be a better option than trying to find a new man. My advice would be to commit to two years. Fight for what you need during that whole time, but if you consider that it might be likely for you to spend the next two years single anyway while you have a young baby. When the baby is ready for nursery, perhaps only then should you consider leaving your man.

0
ANDRE H(5)
Andre H(5)
18/03/2023 at 10:31 pm
In answer to
Andre H(5)

I have total sympathy. Men can be such selfish blockheads, but given this is a new baby, they say that the first two years with any baby are the worst. I think you should try to give him time to change. It might be hell but if you can get through these first two years it might be a better option than trying to find a new man. My advice would be to commit to two years. Fight for what you need during that whole time, but if you consider that it might be likely for you to spend the next two years single anyway while you have a young baby. When the baby is ready for nursery, perhaps only then should you consider leaving your man.

your children are encouraging you to leave your husband. I don;t think it is apporopriate to have them commenting on your relatioship like this. It sounds like basicly he is being unhelpful, but you would have even less support if you were alone. How much are your children helping with the housework and the baby. Maybe instead of criticising they too could be helping to lighten your load. My mother had us very organised doing duties at home.

0
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