Dad's GF is 2 years older than DD

11 answers /

Last post: 16/04/2023 at 9:13 pm

Alison M(1426)

11/04/2023 at 12:41 pm

Hey. I'm just looking for some advice really. OH and I split up a long time ago now (8 years) and he's always been a fairly good dad. A bit distant at times and not keen on the "parenting" side (likes to be the good guy) but in fairness has been there when the chips are down and DD (17) and him to have a fairly healthy relationship with contact and support. My concern is she came home from a visit with him last night and told me he's informed her he'd like her to meet his new girfriend and she's 19 (he's 45) My DD is very upset and I guess confused, as some of her friends are this age and I'm at a loss as to what to say to help her process it all. I've been saying it's good you two are open with each other and that you can tell him how you feel etc (inside thinking wtf are you thinking about John?!) But now she's saying she never wants to see him again. Does anyone have any advice or been in a similiar situation? I feel like screaming as her exams are in a few months and she's been working hard and it's the last thing she needs atm!

Chelle

12/04/2023 at 9:37 am

Hi Alison,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - child mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need

Catherine M(1132)

12/04/2023 at 6:39 pm

Hi Alison,

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing with us.

It sounds like you and your DD have a lovely relationship and she has been able to come home and tell you her thoughts about it all. Alison, I'm guessing that neither of you were expecting his girlfriend to be so close in age to your daughter but it seems like you have handled this as well as you could by supporting her and giving her space to chat to you. I wonder if your daughter is also at the stage of starting to see her dad as an adult, not just a dad, even if that means he makes choices that your DD finds upsetting or confusing or even awkward. With your support, could she chat to her dad about how she is feeling?

I wonder if she might also find it helpful to have a neutral person to speak to? If so Relate offer young people's counselling around relationships - I'll link it here in case you or DD might like to have a look: Young people's counselling | Relate

Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but please come back to us if you want to chat some more.

Take Care

Catherine

Elaine E(116)

14/04/2023 at 8:51 pm

Wow, well I wonder how he would feel if his daughter was dating someone his age.... that is quite the age gap and no wonder she is upset and confused, she probably feels quite disgusted with him. I don't really have any advice sorry, all you can do is be supportive of her and see how she feels as time goes on. Maybe her Dad could try and chat to her about it but i wouldn't force it, she's old enough to know her own mind. The relationship probably won't last that long in all likelihood....

Catherine W(771)

14/04/2023 at 8:55 pm

I’m not sure I can offer any assistance, I can’t imagine what your daughter is feeling and being in that situation. My daughter is 14 and I wouldn’t introduce her to anyone that was 30 or younger.

Your daughter has every right not to want this person in her life and that’s totally understandable, but given the relationship you’ve mentioned she has with her father, is it possible that you could could all sit down and have that conversation (excluding the teenage girlfriend)

He needs to listen to you’re daughter (or you if she doesn’t feel comfortable) and not be upset at those feelings as they are absolutely valid.

Whatever she chooses is the right decision for her and please don’t feel guilty for supporting her. Xx

Louise R(700)

15/04/2023 at 11:34 am

Eww, no wonder she’s upset thats disgusting 🫤 I’d support her in whatever she wants to do. She’s 17 and obviously a bright girl to realise this is just not right. Men seem to think as long as the female is legal it’s fine 🤢 it so isn’t. What on earth a 19 year old girl sees in any 45 year old man who isn’t Brad Pitt I don’t know.

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David N(58)

15/04/2023 at 12:03 pm

In answer to

Elaine E(116)

TBF that would be different as in that case her father would feel protective of her, whereas that is not how she feels about him in this case. Rather apples and oranges...

Laura P(1530)

15/04/2023 at 10:20 pm

Gross thank god you are not with him anymore

What a predatory pos

I'd say to your daughter to say how she feels about it and if she dsnt want to see him anymore he has a choice to make and its down to him

Elaine E(116)

15/04/2023 at 10:23 pm

In answer to

David N(58)

TBF that would be different as in that case her father would feel protective of her, whereas that is not how she feels about him in this case. Rather apples and oranges...

Well yes, but he should be considering why the age gap is seen as not appropriate by his daughter, and he would likely see it that way if is daughter started dating someone a similar age to him.

Stacey W(483)

16/04/2023 at 10:49 am

I feel for your daughter. I was 20 and my partner was 37 when we got together and I was only 11 years older than his youngest daughter ans 8 years older than his oldest so not quite the same thing. By the sounds of it, your partner might be going through a bit of a midlife crisis. Ever heard the saying "you're only as young as the person you feel"? She probably makes him feel young again. Regarding your daughter, I wouldn't force her to see him as she is old enough to make her own decisions and to know her own mind but I would suggest to her that she sit down with her dad and yourself (without the little bit older than jail bait chick) and explain to him calmly why she doesn't want to be around her or she could write him a letter explaining her feelings as that might make it easier for her to open up.

Can't find your answer?

Michelle W(22)

16/04/2023 at 9:13 pm

Hi Alison my sons are going through the same thing as your daughter They dad went with a girl age 18 and he is 50 our oldest bioy showed me all the dirty messages to this girl and they were filth ,I shot they dad out over this and it's been 5 year he dosent bother at all with his boys know but when we were together he was a brilliant dad to his boys and he also as 3 daughters older then his girlfriend xxIts so horrible seeing your own child going through this xx