Partner Wants Space, Refusing to talk to me.

I really feel for you.

I know its so hard but STOP texting and give her the space she asked for. The more you bombard her the more she will move away from you.

There's no suspicion of another man is there?

x

After the first day of sending masses of messages, i cut down the messages i sent, I've now stopped altogether, as this started on Friday and now Tuesday.

I did find a pair of our boys school trousers in the ironing so did send a message about that, as he does need them. She just asked if i was in the office as I usually go in on Tuesdays, as she would pick them up if I was. Doesn't want to see me yet.

But if I'm honest i didn't go in. worried if i break down in front of the staff members. Part of me thinks it might be a helpful distraction though.

I have wondered if there was another guy, but i don't believe she would do that. As her previous husband cheated on her and she went through a painful messy divorce.

So I appreciate that she has a low opinion on men, but i'm here willing to fight for what we have. I can't throw 5 years away without giving it a fighting chance. I believe if we commit to giving it a chance and it fails, we can agree it hasn't worked and go our separate ways, but to walk away without at least giving it a proper try would be crazy. We surely owe it to ourselves and our kids to try.

Our daughter txt me yesterday and said that they (both kids) miss me and love me so much. It broke my heart.

I;m working from home at the moment, but break down randomly throughout the day. Trying to keep myself busy, put up the vine led lights in our daughters room, stuck our boys fan up next to his bed.

I'm trying to show i am being more active. Doing nice little things for them all. Maybe it's to little to late, but i'm trying to be positive. Trying to make her see the positive charming man i was when we first met.

I'm just really struggling as i have nobody to talk to, the house is empty. which is unusual when having 2 young kids.

Everytime i hear the main flat door go, my heart skips a beat, hoping that it's her coming back.

x

Hi David,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - support for dads board, so you can get the advice and support you need.

Hi David,

I'm Loraine, one of the Netmums' Parent Supporters.

Thank you for posting your circumstances so honestly on here and well done for reaching out for support.

I hear you when you say 'I'm in pieces' and given the situation you've described, I'm not surprised it's affecting you so badly - anyone would feel the same way.

You also said 'I'll be honest, since covid, working from home, i rarely leave the house, this has slowly grinded me down mentally' - can I ask if you've ever suffered or been diagnosed with depression David? Could you have a chat with your GP this week to talk things through so that they can make a proper assessment of where you're at right now?

The NHS provide a free service called Talking Therapies which you might also be interested in accessing. You can find out more at: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

In terms of your relationship, it sounds right to give your partner the space she's asking for, but in time, perhaps she might be interested in couples counselling? Relate have lots of good information on their website about rebuilding relationships etc and you can find out more about the type of counselling they offer at: https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do/counselling-services/relationship-counselling

Unfortunately, you can't control how someone else is feeling, only how you respond to it, so with the right help and support, maybe you could get yourself into a better place before working on anything else - does that make sense?

Feel free to keep chatting with us here and we'll try to get you the best advice and information that we can.

Loraine x

David I'm going to ask you a few questions and I'll try to be gentle and bring in mind you are likely suffering depression and anxiety and these have added to everything and are probably the why for some of these things

Did you contribute to the house tasks equally? Tidying, hovering, putting things away, laundry, wiping down sides in kitchen , sweeping and cleaning kitchen, the dishes , planning meals , planning shopping (if you felt you couldn't leave house you can help plan instead ) cooking.

Changing the bed sheets, cleaning the bath, shower , toilets , sink.

The childcare, putting the kids to bed , bathing or showering kids, organising the kids play dates, sleep overs, school stuff , lunches.

Helping with the budgeting , arranging bills ect the admin stuff

And most importantly did you care for the kids / do stuff that needed doing so she could have me time undistracted

No matter how much one partner works or how much one partner does in the one does in the home it is vital that you both get me time or you will crash and burn.

Had she repeatedly asked you to step up?

Did she ask you to get help or say she can't live like this not going out anywhere not doing anything together ect?

Did you do things together at home enough?

We're you supportive and caring when she needed it? Did you show interest in what she was interested in.

Depression funking awful truly is but there comes a point where you know for your sake before you drown in it and for your loved ones sake you need to get help

If she repeatedly asked you to do stuff and you didn't and didn't go get help to get to the point you could then it's time to get help and if you don't ypu face losing it all because although it's unfair the nature of Depression is a huuuge barrier to going to get help it's also not fair to have someone live that way with you.

Another consideration, are there other things you sturggle with? Time management , social situations prior to this possibile depression and anxiety?

There may be something more like ASD or ADHD

Or

If you were an equal partner and did your fair share

(just becuase she didn't complain or ask you to do stuff dsbt mean you did your fair share which is why I didn't didn't break down often women will just down or ask a few times and then give up)

If you did your fair share then I ask was she equal did she contribute equally.

Was she present with you, supportive and caring when you needed it?

Did she she show interest with you?

I know you love those kids but we're you happy? Did she make you happy (Depression aside)

Was she the partner you needed?

Have a think, take a breath

Stop texting for a bit and consider everything

Take some time off work if you can get your head straight and do things that you enjoy. it's hard with depression but if you can get a friend to make you that works better.

Then go to the gp to talk about depression and anxiety.

Thank you very much Lorraine,

I do suffer with depression, I have done for many years.

I've been trying to get an appointment recently with my GP to review my medication and maybe seek alternatives. But getting an appointment with my GP at the moment is like trying to pick the winning lottery numbers.

The links you have provided are fantastic. It's hard to find the best places to start due to so many people on the net and so many are potential money grabbing schemes.

i do appreciate you taking the time to respond. It great that people are taking time to help others. Also provides me with some where to learn and express my thoughts.

David x

With those services you can also opt for video call appointments if you really feel you cannot leave the house

They may be able to forward you for cbt to help with getting to the point where you can leave more

Hi David.

My partner left with my youngest son in more traumatic circumstances but I know how your feeling. Its is shattering especially when you weren't expecting it. Even if you do separate do you think she will let you see the kids? My current partner and I have 5 children 3 are biologically his and the oldest two know him as dad i would still want him to be that to them even if we split.

In regards to the separation itself I'm in the position where its something I have debated with my partner. His mental health is bad qnd he is doing nothing to contribute to the house or my wellbeing. I don't have parents to move to but I might have considered it if it was an option. Without knowing whats been building up in her I can only give you insight into how I would feel. I know as much as you love the person if your in a place where you feel like you are battling on your own it gets hard to see a way out. It may be she just needs space and to see you understand and want to make the changes needed to make it work. If your mental health has been the primary factor that's the first thing you need to tackle for you not for anything else. I'm asking my partner to get help and he's agreed but for me not for him and thats not what I want really. I want him to be well and OK in his head because you can't believe how hard it is to feel like your carrying someone on your shoulders. Being a parent is hard but sometimes it can't seem like being single is simpler if it means you don't have to deal with someone else's problems ontop of your own. I'm not saying there's no chance there could many but she needs time to think and maybe you do too.

I'm going to go the opposite of some of these comments and I may be completely wrong but it's just an opinion to throw in the mix.

Is she waiting for actions rather than words?

Is she sat there with mum saying well he's clearly not bothered otherwise he'd of come round, he's not come to see the kids etc

Have you tried to go round, maybe with some extra things for the kids, maybe write the kids a little note saying you miss and love them and pop it round ( depending on age)

Pop flowers on the doorstep with a note for your partner.

If you get the door closed in your face at least you have tried 🙂

Also, I really hope it works out best and hope you get some help for your mental health, you sound very genuine and hopefully a break is all that's needed.

Good luck