My childs need and wants

Hi Sean,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - support for dads, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Sean

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks for reaching out - it sounds like a tough situation but I can hear that you are thinking about your child as well as both of you co-parenting together. Would it be fair to say that up that until now, the arrangement has worked well, Sean? Would your partner agree?

Your eldest is coming to the stage where is wanting to make more decisions about his life but he is also still only 10 and at that stage, more often than not, we as parents still know what is best and need to hold and contain those difficult feelings for our kids while they process them. I wonder though is there a way to include him in the those conversations that you and your ex might have? What does he understand about your separation or how you and your ex partner came to those decisions around contact? Would you and your ex-partner have a good enough relationship to be able to chat to him together?

Sorry for asking all these questions but I just want to make sure I'm signposting you to the right support. Do you think that your eldest might be open to chatting to someone neutral about it all? Relate can offer a therapeutic space to young people around relationships and I wonder if this might be something for you and your ex-partner to explore for your eldest? Here is the link: Home | Relate

Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer some advice and support but in the meantime, please come back to us if you want to chat some more.

Catherine

Hello Catherine.

Yes I would agree it has worked well for us both, although my eldest always seems adamant that he wants to live with myself.

I have had a conversation with my Ex, and she says no, as she don't want to break the routine.

Although i feel the same for her sake, I am also thinking about my son's needs and best interests as well, and i feel my Ex partner doesn't really care about what our son wants when it comes to contact.

My son has told his mother on numerous occasions that he wants to stay with me but she won't allow it.

We have had a conversation together with him, she tells him that we have a routine and its fair he stays with both of use equally. She only wants to keep the routine we have, rather than explore into more of what my son actually wants.

He understands our separation, it was quite messy at first as she met another man and was introducing them to him while i was still living at the family home before having to leave, so there must have been alot of confusion at the time for him. Although that relationship didn't last long and been we've moved on from it.

He always complains about going back to his mum when its her time to have the boys. My youngest (6 years) has been clocking on to what his eldest brother wants and has been saying the same, copying him rather, than actually understaning what my eldest is feeling and the situation of his wants and needs when he's talking about wanting to stay.

Hi Sean,

Thanks for replying and providing some more information about your situation. I'm Emma, I work alongside Catherine here at Netmums on the Parent Supporter team. I can hear how distressing this situation is for you all, I can see Catherine mentioned some counselling support for your son, is this something you would all be open to? It may help to unpick why he wants to change the routine suddenly and spend more time with you. If you can understand the reasons better you may both feel more comfortable negotiating around any changes to his length of stay with you going forward.

Separation Anxiety is also quite common at this age, we have published an article on our site about it if you would like to take a look it includes some useful info and advice. Separation Anxiety In Teenagers - Netmums . I can understand it is a risky situation as your younger sons are becoming influenced by his change of mind too so this could lead to further disruption for you and your partner.

I'm also mindful of his negative behaviour towards his Mother at the moment, I wonder if you spoke to him about changing his behaviour towards his Mother and how that could open up potential for deciding about the change in length of stay at yours? Otherwise he may feel he can successfully play you both off against each other.

Do come back and let us know how it is going for you Sean. Wishing you the best of luck.

Take care,

Emma

Hello emma,

I understand what you mean. I have spoken to him about his behaviour towards his mother but my son says to me, he does it hoping she makes him live with me. I have told him its not acceptable behaviour and it won't get him what he wants by treating his mother the way he does.

Unfortunately he has been asking to come stay with me since i left the family home 2 years ago. Hes reasons are that he just wants to live with me. Its Difficult and frustrating to hear it all the time and i dont know what to do.

I will check out the things that have beem sent and recommended to me from you.

If I think about my own children… for the first year or two of separation my youngest screamed for his dad. Never wanted to come home. Always said he loved his dad more. Used to break my heart. There were no rules there though and his dad would say awful things about me. Constantly say he was going for full custody and leaving me feeling terrified. Even if you think it’s best right now for your son to live with you… any half decent mother isn’t going to want that. The very idea what he wants that is probably incredibly difficult for her.

Fast forward 5 years… he cries going to his dads. Hates (apparently) going on occasions such as birthdays and Christmas. More fun here so I’m told. It feels hard some days. I want to tell him to stay here but

Kids change. They like boundaries. They also like playing parents off against each other sometimes! Would it be possible to have a chat with your ex about this but think about it from a different angle. Not about how you can persuade her to let him live with you. Maybe even the three of you sitting down and having a really grown up conversation about what he’s not getting at his mums/what he’s getting from being at yours?Could it be easier for him with 1 week on, 1 week off between you? (Obviously don’t know your situation and if that could work).

I don’t know enough, but just trying to come at it as a mother who has felt that her son wants his dad more. It hurts and your ex might be afraid. I hope your son settles soon.

Can you talk to his mum and see how she feels about changing the arrangement? She's probably struggling with his behaviour and she might feel that him living with yours will actually help their relationship. Maybe he could go and stay at his Mum's once/twice a week instead of half the week.

Honestly i would not change routine he sounds like hes acting up at mums so he can get his way to stay with you and by you allowing it you are showing him its ok to be naughty to get what he wants do u have more fun and he has less chores and things at yours as to me it sounds like that or from how u too split has made him blame his mum maybe you say u miss him or that hes heard you saying your lonely and feels the need to be this way.

Maybe you could do 3 days with both kids 1 day with him 1 week then 3 days with both and 1 day with other child so they both get time alone with each parent. But honestly i would stick to how u already have it, but maybe if hes been acting up at mums you accordingly carry through with a punishment so he can see you are a team even when seperate

Hello Elaine.

Yes we have had the talk.

The mother wants to keep the arrangements how they are.

She wants to keep the 50/50 so we both get the kids equal.

My sons veiws are different. He just wants to stay with me and hes not taking anything me or his mother is saying to him, he just getting more frustrated and i dont want to phone social services about it, as they go on about the childs best interests alone and give the child what they want, no matter what me or his mother thinks is best. Its unfair on his mother.

Its a hard situation, this is why iv come here because im hoping somone has been through this and knows what to do. Me and his mother have a good healthy relationship although we are no longer together. We don't fight or anything. We just do drop offs and pick ups and chat on handovers about how the weeks been. Theres no negative behaviour between us so it can't be to do with how we are as parents.

Hello shelly.

I just want to clarify, by no means i allow his behaviour to be bad at his mothers and visa versa, We have a strict routine with flexibility if needed for holidays away or what ever. Other than that, the routine stays the same.

The mother does not want to change the routine and I've agreed too, but at the same time, the children to need ti be heard and there veiws taken into account with out neglecting them as well.

Me and his mother both parent the same way and stick to the same rules. Both homes are not one better than the other. We keep things equal and co-parent efficiently on the same level.

We don't talk bad about each other at all, we respect each other as parents as far as I'm aware on her part anyway, and I'm sure my son would say, if that happened anyway in either house hold as he does say what he wants to say and don't really hide anything from what we say.

I don't feel lonely by all means. When the kids are at there mums, i am working. And on my days off, i have the kids. I do to much to feel lonely. I have quite the happy life now.

My DD didn’t want to go to her dads but I forced her to until she was old enough for a court to take her wishes into consideration.

for the last year of that situation though, she pretended to be ill until the last possible moment when she knew I wouldn’t send her if she was well.

I believed I was doing what was fair and right for her father. I wish I hadn’t bothered tbh. The courts take their wishes into consideration from about 11 so either have the discussion with the mother to see how she feels about it or go see a solicitor for advice.

Hello vicky.

Thank you for this information.

I would say forcing my child to go to his mums is something i cant do. What i do try is encouragement. This is the only way that works but only because i encourage him to go. Otherwise we would straight up refuse as he has done before and i couldn't get him out the door. He turns 11 soon aswell 🙄.

Thank you for the advice.

Hi Sean,

If you are in England and Wales then the courts do take the child’s views and wishes in to consideration at age 10 (11 here in Scotland) and there is information on the government website https://www.gov.uk/government/news/children-will-be-seen-and-heard-in-family-courts

It doesn’t mean that they will decide he lives with you though it just means they will consider his views. It’s most likely that if they did decide he stays with you that he would still be going to his mothers every weekend or two. They will obviously try to continue the relationship with him and his mum as well as his other siblings which obviously is what you are trying to do anyway.

May I ask, what is his reason that he gives for wanting to stay with you full time? I think it’s important that you find out why he is so adamant about this. You say that your routine is very similar to that of his mum and that you have a totally equal split when it comes to time spent so there must be a reason why he would rather spend the time with you. When I was going through child court for custody arrangements (sadly it wasn’t as amicable as yourself and your ex partner) I was told that psychologically a 50:50 split with the week split is very difficult for a child, especially once they get to school age as they can feel a lot like they don’t have a set abode with all of the to and fro. I have studied psychology myself (and criminology) and it is suggested that a child has a set home and then also a room in the other parents house when they stay there. I think the option a previous poster suggested of a full week with you then full week with mum would work much better and perhaps make them feel more settled than the 3/4 and 4/3. Especially as he is now 10 so obviously had just the one house for the majority of his life. It may be that this is the main issue? Of course it could be something totally different which is why I think it’s important to get to the root of the cause.

I know how heartbreaking it can be when they don’t want to go to their other parents but you are having to encourage them. My youngest son is 8 and goes to his fathers every second weekend but he’s constantly telling me he doesn’t want to go as he misses me and just wants to stay with me. A lot of this is down to the fact his father kept him without my permission when he was only 2 years old (parental abduction but as he was on the birth certificate it was legal so it was all court proceedings) and he now has an attachment disorder. I hate having to send him but I know how important it is he spends time with his other side of the family. You are doing the right thing encouraging him.

I do think the current arrangements aren’t going to work longterm if he is having issues and this has been an ongoing things. You say it’s been 2 years now and he’s said that from the start so 2 years really is long enough for it to not just be “teething issues” so to speak. I think your ex and you need to sit down (perhaps with a mediator?) and figure out what you could try. I’d suggest a full week at each and perhaps you can put a set amount of time on it, like a 2 month trial, to see how that goes?

either way I just want to commend you for caring not only about your sons needs but also about how it would affect his siblings and mother as many parents out there use their kids to hurt the other parent. You are doing a great job xx

This must break her heart, it would have me. I had a very similar relationship with my boys Dad, we were very amicable and good friends after we split. We didn’t split the week up like you do but our boys stayed with him overnight one night through the week and one night at the weekend. The rest with me.

Do you know what it is at all that’s causing him to want to be with you rather than his Mum? Does he get more attention at yours maybe, whereas at his Mums he’s the eldest so gets shoved out a bit while the younger ones have more of Mums time? He doesn’t sound like a bad kid but it does sound like he’s quite adamant about his preference to be with you. I would listen to that and try to get to the bottom of what his reasons are. Does he play out more at yours? Does he have friends nearby that he misses when he’s at Mums? Does he get more time on his Xbox or whatever kids play on these days lol. I think at 10 (almost 11) there has to be a specific reason. Maybe Mum still babies him whereas you treat him more grown up and he likes that.

I don’t think ur neglecting his needs by not giving in to him as he’s loved and cared for at Mums but I do think it’s important to get to the root of why he’d rather live with you and it’s important he feels heard even if nothing changes.