My ex partner left me for a 62 year old man

Hi Kenneth,

I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. I’ve requested for your thread to be moved into our drop in clinic so we can support you further. I am sorry to hear what you are going through right now, the breakdown of a long term relationship can be very tough and especially so given that this has all happened suddenly. I imagine this is all still feeling very raw for you and you might still be processing everything that has happened.

It sounds like you are concerned about your ex’s wellbeing and hearing talk of someone else raising your children which must have been very upsetting, particularly when their relationship is so new. It is understandable that you are concerned about your ex’s behaviour, it feels very quick to be introducing your children to her new partner. Unfortunately, we can’t control the actions of others, you can try to keep communication between both of you as civil as possible so you can discuss the needs of your children. You could try to encourage her to share if she is feeling manipulated, but she may have a very different perspective.

Is your name on your children’s birth certificate Kenneth? If so, you do have parental responsibility and you’re entitled to contact with them. As their dad you do have the right to play a meaningful part in their lives. Have you had the opportunity to see your boys since the break up, or have you been able to discuss this with your ex partner? Because this has all happened so quickly it may be that you haven’t had a chance to talk about this in depth yet, but it feels important for your own piece of mind.

Families needs fathers have support and information available if your ex is not allowing you to see your children or you would like some guidance about arranging contact with them: https://fnf.org.uk/get-help-menu/get-help

I wonder if you have friends or family you feel able to talk to as you navigate through all of this Kenneth? You deserve support. We are listening too, please let us know if we can help you further.

Take care,

Kayleigh

I haven't seen the boys yet as I'm afraid seeing them will hurt me more especially when i have to leave them and plus I have nothing I'm staying at my sister house. I'm so worried about my boys because what she is doing is not of a sound mind at all thinking a 62 year old man's wants to raise our children. I maybe wrong but I believe my gut instinct he is manipulating her with kindness. Her parents don't like it either what sort of man would do such a thing.

Hi Kenneth,

We've moved your thread to our Drop in clinic-Support for dads board, as we think it's a more appropriate place for this topic and you’re more likely to get responses here.

Okay

Hi Kenneth,

I hear you that the timing doesn’t feel right to see the boys yet, you’ve been through a massive upheaval and you need space to focus on your needs too. There is some guidance on your housing rights here after a relationship breakdown that may be helpful: https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/housing/your-housing-rights-when-you-separate/#:~:text=Whether%20you%20are%20married%2C%20in%20a%20civil%20partnership%2C,have%20agreed%20that%20one%20of%20you%20will%20leave .

It must be very difficult to be separated from your boys and you are left devastated by this sudden decision from your ex partner to start a relationship with an older man. Can I ask you more about your worries? Are you worried your sons aren’t being taken care of at the moment?

Whilst you are still processing all of this, could another close relative visit the boys? You could ask your ex’s parents if you are still in regular contact with them. This would give you an opportunity to hear how the boys are doing.

Take care,

Kayleigh

I'm worried about my ex she moved on very quickly and introduced kids very quick and is being very hurtful with what she is saying to me is she already being controlled.

My sister did something similar when she was 20. She had a 3 year old daughter and one day hooked up with a guy twice her age, moved in with him within a week. My parents were beside themselves with worry but all they could do was keep a close eye on her. Her ex still saw their child regularly but she did make it difficult. He went to court to seek regular access which my sister thankfully stuck to but she turned into not a very nice person. This guy was still married and bought up numerous step children (all girls) we later found out and was mentally and physically abusive to my sister and very controlling of my niece. Red flags were there which we didnt see straight away. Do your research. Find out all you can about this man, Does he make a habit of having relationships with much younger women, has he been abusive in previous relationshios etc. Is he a drinker drug user etc. Youll be surprsed what you can learn by looking on social media and asking the right people the right quesions. There's definitely something not right, it's not regular behaviour, theres an age gap but then there's this age gap. I imagine his family are not too keen on it either.

But first get a solicitor and get regular access your boys no matter how upsetting it will be for you to see them, you need to because they'll want to see you plus you get to keep an eye on them. Kids will tell you everything!

I cant find anything out about him and I don't want her to be manipulated by him.

That maybe the case, maybe not. There is a strong chance that this has been going on behind your back for some time. Any strange behaviour before this all came to light?

I'd take advantage of Sarah's law, contact the police with his name and address, if known. Say you want to use Sarah's law to check he has no criminal background and kids are safe to be around him.

Good luck

She has only known him 2-3 weeks

Hi Kenneth,

im just wondering if you would be thinking the same if he was the same age as her? I personally don’t see why the age matters at all. I am 40 and my partner just turned 24. There are also 20 years between my mum and step dad and they are the best couple ever. I understand your concern at her sudden change of heart and yes it is bizarre to change her mind and move on so quickly. I also feel it’s wrong for her to introduce the children to the new person so quickly. I’ve been with my partner 6 months now and he’s yet to be left around my children (despite them being 8, 14 and 18). I would speak to your health visitor and explain your concerns. I would also do as the previous poster said and get a background check done on the new man. I did this with my new partner also. Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do with regards to your ex as no matter what you say I’m sure she will see it as sour grapes and if it turns out he is controlling then he will make it seem like you are the one trying to cause issues. I think your main points of action just now would be to maintain as much contact as possible with your sons, contact the hv and get a background check. Sorry you are going through this xx

I'm so sorry you must be devastated, especially as it happened so quickly. Although your feelings must be all over the place I would urge you to try to see the boys as much as possible. This is new for them and a major upheaval too, they don't understand why they have suddenly moved and your not there. Be a constant for them on regular days and it will help you and them through it.

They haven't moved I have. I just want to know why

My relationship with the father of my children ended.

I then began (and still am) a relationship with an older man - I am loved and treated very well and he and his families kindness to myself and my son is a blessing.

It think rather than dissecting the relationship she’s entered in you should be talking to her maintaining as much as possible a relationship with her where you can together as parents co-parent the children you share.

She is an adult and responsible for herself, and regardless of hurt you feel you are still your children’s father so don’t avoid contact.