Daughter stealing / lying

Hi Clare,

I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sending you a gentle hug this morning, I can how upsetting and frustrating this is for you and your partner. It seems you are at a loss on how best to support your daughter right now when she is displaying challenging behaviours such as lying and stealing.

Much of this behaviour could be regular teenage rebellion where they like to test boundaries and see what they can get away with. Sometimes it can be attention seeking behaviour, were you able to gain some insight as to what was going on for your daughter whilst she had counselling? Does she open up and talk to you about what's going on for her?

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things putting discipline and consequences in place, we have published an article here on our site regarding this if there's anymore helpful ideas you may be able to use. Discipline and responsibility - Netmums

I know some of our community of mums will be able to relate also so hopefully they will be able to share their own stories and how they made it through this time too.

Take care,

Emma

Could she have kleptomania ?

Could be a trip to the drs is needed 🤷‍♀️

don’t know if I can help but your story resonates with me. And teaching my kids the things I have seem, on reflection, almost like basic needs of nurture that all systems of society are lacking. It just doesn’t seem to be important and yet more and more youths are lost souls, mixed up in crime, quick to try and escape through drugs and generally not seek success like they should feel able to. I must say though I’m not some guru who has the answers 😆 this might be total tosh to most people! But these things have worked for us and I know what it’s like to find yourself so hopeless and running on empty.

I believe helping my kids (have a teenage daughter too) form a good relationship with themselves is key.

This seems to be a mad concept if I say it to people but I remember being a teenager and this would’ve really helped me back then.

Teenagers haven’t yet fully developed in their brains. In today’s world it’s like being set free into the world with all the gear and no idea.

They think they’ve got the means to deal with everything because they are untouchable with their smart phones and metaverse personas and their power - they be the centre of the whole world in an instant with an upload of a selfie or some form of ‘everyone look at me’ and then when ***** gets real or harmless social situations set in they can suddenly make themselves invisible again as they hide inside their phone. They’ve so much power and non of the responsibility. They’re manipulating themselves!!

But they don’t really have the strategies to cope and processing skills are not even fully developed. Some of the hormones to transmit understanding haven’t even developed. Resiliency and resolution are not teenagers’ forebearing attributes like they were for our older generations. Everything is too hard, too much to ask and they’re entitled.

So with mine I decided that they really needed to build a good relationship with themselves and they needed to be someone they respected. But I couldn’t expect this of them until

they understood and had the means to do it and do it well over time.

Their family, friends, peers, environments… somethings are really going to grate on these kids -

if they don’t know how to regulate and breakdown the feelings they get and own them, they can turn on themselves and rebel against that or those around them too thereby having very little or no self respect and quick to disrespect others or even break the law.

For my daughters, understanding their bodies I felt was really important for them so taught them to (this alongside learning about emotions and regulating) pay attention to their cycles and and their responses to things. Knowing when they’ve come on or are going to is one thing. But paying attention to how they’re managing in the weeks ahead and then the come down after (and grasping our small windows of equilibrium!!) and recognising who they are and how they feel throughout each part of the cycle meant that when they were getting hotheaded about something they otherwise wouldn’t if it were another day, could be acknowledged as a hormonal change. It helped them when they were feeling more sensitive, perhaps about a conflict (or perceived conflict) and felt more hopeless about it than other times. The risky business could have vanished and then starts to make a return. The catastrophising could be prevalent one week and then the same stuff be water off a duck’s back the next.

Being specific with language and dissecting their feelings so they went from blanket statements like; ‘having the hump‘ to ‘I feel anxious’ ‘It really frustrates me when’ or ‘It’s quite uncomfortable to think about’ or ‘I’m furious about this’ or ‘it doesn’t feel so satisfying now I really think about it’ and so on, helped with their self talk and maturation process.  But knowing how to recognise what’s what helped them understand, then be ok with it and therefore own it.

The more they got to know themselves the better equipped they became to deal with life and all its dramas and the more regulated they became. The better our relationship too.

Didn’t entirely stop the chancing and manipulation and attitude but they had a grasp of ownership and accepting that people tolerate only what they’re prepared to and consequences don’t actually impact anyone but ‘me’. This affect on ‘me’ I believe will only have any substance if they have some level of self worth. And if they don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with themselves they’re unlikely to have a healthy level of self worth and consequences are of no consequence! You have to tap into that and really probe them with scenarios associated with a consequence that make them reconsider. And highlighting the benefits of positive consequences and really affirming any which come yours and their way is a must - this is value.

I really recommend therapy together. It was the best thing. There doesn’t need to be trauma for a mother and her child to have some healing or connection invested into their relationship - I think it’s valuable anyway and there are lots of forms of therapy or interpretations of therapy.

But when there is trauma, and I’d say these compulsions are traumatic at the very least for you (and possibly borne from trauma you don’t know about, hell maybe she doesn’t even know about, yet), family therapy is golden.

Being a teenager isn’t always a thrilling adventure, for some of it for some it’s a bloody nightmare you just can’t put your finger on isn’t it. For some that’s teenagehood in its entirety so unhappiness and acting out for years.

So really difficult behaviour sometimes is a given. I would say she’s really overboiling the cabbage now so there needs to be some urgency and proactive seeking of professional support but most importantly, and where to begin, tell her you love her, in all the many and varied ways you can. When she’ll let you, hug her, let her really feel your love. Not transactional love so you’ll get something in return like no more bs! But just shower her with affirmation and unconditional love and converse.

It’s so hard and scary being a parent. It’s taxing and thankless and kids can be self centred wotsits who have no regard for how we feel. But do tell them. Not in moments of anger but when you’re building that open dialogue and it’s just you and she, tell her how it feels for you so you can instil empathy and ownership. Make her feel safe, secure and loved so that she can be vulnerable with you and open up.

There is a reason she’s doing it. May be significant, may be trivial, may be a reason she doesn’t know but get yourselves support and really invest in the two of you.

All the battles, screams, tears, consequences (which just felt bloody futile), all the moods and damage with mine - it showed we could all lower ourselves to incomprehensible nonsense at the top of our voices but the only good thing in all of it was the ‘futile’ consequences.

Being consistent mattered and I’m grateful somewhere stubborn enough inside me stuck to them even when it seemed evidently pointless. But perpetuating one another’s negative feelings in anger didn’t serve any of us.

Now that we’ve learned a better way,

the more rare and effective blow ups mean business and matter and they know Mama’s mad for a damn good reason and they need to have a word with themselves and not expect anything from me for a while! In between that,

the irresponsible crap, the attitude, dismissiveness, the breaking of rules is met with love and consequence so dialogue and connection remains.

I really, really hope our story helps in some way. It’s been a long road but I’d travel it again. You got this.

P.S It’s not to imply that you don’t show her love - what I mean is in the absence of their self love, us mothers laying it on thick demonstrates how important they are and

starts to

counter their negative thoughts, negative feelings and negative behaviours. Whatever these compulsions, in need of diagnosis or not, it’ll be ok. We’re all made

of strong stuff, we just gotta realise it☮️💪❤️

Could she be being bullied? What is she doing with the money and stuff she steals?

We have had this with GS13 It has calmed down recently as we took him out of school in October.

Communication breakdown all round couldn't trust him found a bb gun in his room and a few other problems school said they were sick of him so home ed was option we took.

Trying to get things calm.

Don't know whether part of stealing was for school buying drinks etc.

It has calmed down as far as we know. But it was like he was unaware or in complete denial. Stole £10 of his brothers birthday money 3 times each time we got it back he was in denial that he had even ttook it even hough it was in his hands.

So I have no advice. Just wanted to say you are not alone . He even takes clothes from his dad's and wears them with us and takes clothes from his uncle and keeps them at his dad's and then after a while wears them here thinking we don't know.

I've just read sunworshipper's reply which makes sense to me and my reply is our way of putting Sunworshipper's advice into action.

Obviously I'm not saying home ed is the answer that was our answer to the whole turmoil that goes with the stealing and the lack of trust

It was sort of bringing him back into the fold and rebuilding blocks together.

It isn't resolved properly. He's learning to like himself again and last week I saw his old beaming smile as he ran across the yard.

He is doing more ed than he was at school because of the disruptiveness.

We just take one week at a time.