I miss my toxic ex but I want to break the trauma bond, what should I do?
6 answers /
Last post: 10/04/2023 at 11:46 pm
I got out of a toxic relationship around a year and a half ago and have been missing my ex a lot lately.
I see her around as we live close to each other, we first together 5 years ago but I broke it off as I found out she was engaged to someone else. During that time she got divorced and I stupidly took her back a few years later, she did admit to being in multiple relationships and talking to other guys since then.
But I broke it off a year and a half ago We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.
Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit.
She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right?? And She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset.
So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).
I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face! I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the startwhich I thought was childish.
After we broke up she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'.
I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career. I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more.
I know I won't probably move on straight away but I don't know why I'm still hurting over someone that is so toxic for me. I blocked her on social media a few months back but was debating to whether unblock her or not.
I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her. I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not. I have my own auto detailing business which I run on the side of my career and on the weekend, I have a social media page for it and I have set it as a public profile because it is only for business content and I never out anything personal on it.
I sometimes feel sad as I'm alone and haven't dated anyone since her, I often see her around and feel as though I miss her but I know those feelings are only from loneliness so I have every intention of staying away from her.
I've tried keeping myself distracted by focusing on my career and business, she has tried messaging me a couple months back by sending some charity chain messages although they could be her way of breadcrumbing? I always see her around as we live near one another, there were times where I used to try and get her attention because I missed her but now I just feel angry because I feel like I let her get away with a lot.
I saw her a few months ago and she saw me too and she messaged straight after saying 'hope your good', i don't understand why would she do that I keep seeing her around and I know deep down I know I shouldn't let her get away with treating me do badly, I miss her and sometimes feel stuck.
A couple of days ago I seen someone that looks like her with another guy but couldn't tell if it was actually her as it was from a distance, I don't know why I'm overthinking it but I think thats whats making me miss her more.
I miss her but I know she's not good for me, what do i do to actually realise that I deserve better and break the trauma bond?
Hi Fazer
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support.
Fazer, it sounds as if you have mixed emotions about your ex. You've shared that 'I miss her but I know she's not good for me'. What stuck out to me though was how you said 'I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career. I know I deserve better'. You deserve to feel happy. If a friend was in a similar situation, what advice would you give them?
Have you heard of an organisation called RELATE? They offer counselling and support around all sorts of relationships, including individual sessions. I wonder if you would find it helpful to chat to someone neutral. I'll link their website here in case you would like to explore this a bit more : What we do | Relate
Take care
Catherine
I’m just over 2 yrs out of an illusionship with a narcissist. It’s like an addiction that’s what you’re used to. The cycle. The high levels of cortisol and adrenaline flowing through you. Blocking and no contact is the only way and finding out who you are to work on unhealed parts of you that you likely didn’t know were broken that may go further back than a toxic relationship with your ex. Work on and focus on you, grieve the past version of you that tolerated it for so long. You’ll never apply Empath logic to the walking dead - don’t drive yourself crazy trying to! Give yourself the closure you need and put healthy boundaries in place for yourself …. Learn the cycle and know the signs for next time but don’t go back even on the dark days…. Recognise value and own your worth ❤️ time to regain you n your identity
Look for a better job somewhere else in the country, if you have no ties where you are now.
Block her on everything she can contact you on.
She will keep playing this game indefinitely, cut her out of your life. Be thankful you have no children with her.
Live your life as a fresh man, get back in the dating scene. Change your image, weight if you need to. New life, new outlook, new you. Go for it!
You've got a very realistic grasp of the situation, so don't give her the chance to get back inside your head and make you start doubting things. Please block all communication and remember that it's probably not actually her that you miss, it's who she pretending to be and that person doesn't exist. Also she doesn't deserve you, so know your own worth and don't get drawn into something just because it's offered.
Hello Thr , I feel you have done the correct thing focus on you….I feel she wanted you to open up so she can use yr feelings as a weapon to get you to do what she wants… there will be a Right person out there for you! Stay strong!
