help. my 11 year old daughter driving me mad!!!!

Hi Vicky

It sounds like you are feeling very frustrated by your daughters behaviour. We have a great partner from Family Lives ( Diane) that works with us here on netmums, and I think she may be able to support you with this. I have referred your thread to her, so do keep an eye out for her reply over the next few days.

Good luck:hug:
Tracey

If it's any consolation she sounds like a normal teenager (or tweenager) to be honest.  My oldest is 14 and nothing is ever her fault, she screams and shouts and me and anyone else in earshot, never does anything she's asked and her room is an absolute tip!

I've now got to the point where I've told her that it's her responsibility to get her self ready for school, make sure she has everything she needs and to get her self out on time.  I refuse to drive anything she forgets to school later in the day and told her she needs to deal with any consequences the school dishes out.

Make up a list of things she needs to do and stick it on her bedroom floor.  Tell your son that when he is tidying up that he only tidies up his things and he can just put her stuff in a pile on her side of the room for her to put away.

In this house everyone is responsible for putting dirty washing in the basket.  If it's not in there, it doesn't get washed ... I refuse to trawl through bedrooms picking up dirty clothes.  I have their timetables taped up on the kitchen wall so I know when they have PE so their kit is ready but it's her responsibility to make sure she packs it and takes it.

I've had this off my DD for the last 3 years ... it's a nightmare at times but I've been told it gets better when they leave home!!

sounds pretty much like my daughter as well she has just turned 12

can i ask why are your children sharing a room  maybe if she had somewhere that she could call her own she would learn to respect that space if that makes sense my kids both girls have their own rooms and do tidy them in a fashion 10 year old does slightly better job than 11 year old but then she does have the smaller room

I think it must be something to do with their age as i have an 11yr old boy and he sounds the exact same. HE wants everything handed to him but not willing to do anything in return. Occe he gets an idea in his head he won't give up on it and nothing is ever his fault its always someone else thats to blame for the way he is feeling. WE have tried the taking away of privileges and the stopping of treats and it works for a while.

WE have reverted back to the old praising good behaviour and ignoring the bad behaviour(though it is very hard at times!!!) Ive also started a list of things that need to be done to gain pocket money so if things arent done then he gets no pocket money.

Fingers crossed they grow out of it very soon.

Hi Vicky,

This is Diane from Family Lives.  You sound really worn down by all of this which isn't surprising.  Battling with a child can be draining and I do feel for you.

It's true that you do have to stand firm with some children but I know it's a lot easier said than done at times.  I would agree with the others though that it could be that you need to talk to your son to let him know that he should do only his share of the tidying up etc.  I would then suggest that you let your dd know that this is the case but be careful what tone you use when doing so.  These conversations can easily slide into an argument or sound hostile as soon as they start.  Perhaps go along the lines of choosing a time when she's in a better mood and say that you want to improve the way the house is run etc. and therefore this is what will be happening.  If you could focus on what she'll achieve from it, such as less arguing, more quality time etc., she might be more willing to co-operate.  I think you and your son will have to stand firm though, Vicky.  There may be tears and tantrums along the way so maybe make a list of chores for each of them and try to remain calm when she gets upset before gently reminding her what the deal is.

There's no easy answer but I wish you all the best.  Do come back and let us know how you are and if you still need further support, we'll try our best to come up with some other ideas.

My 11 year old daughter is a nightmare. Won't do anything I ask her to but expects me to drop everything to do whatever for her. I explain if she got up out of bed earlier she wouldn't have to rush around for school. I'm a single parent and have to get myself ready for work at the same time but stresses me out when she's still lying there when she needs to eat breakfast and get dressed. There's been plenty mornings I've gone without breakfast as I'm having to help my daughter do her hair or even get dressed otherwise she says if I won't help she won't do it! I've no idea where all this has come from. It gets me down all the while. She's glued to get iPad watching catchup, won't go to bed when asked, won't talk to me. I've told her I'll take the iPad off her but just get shrugged shoulders, but when I've tried it she shouts and bawls at me.

Hiya.
Been through this and still happens sometimes with 17 year old ds and now nearly 11 yr old dd has started pushing boundaries.
The best advice and what works In our house is there are certain things they are expected to do.
I-e keep rooms tidy,put dirty washing in basket,empty bedroom bins,
I also have then wash and wipe tea dishes between them.This has been happening for some time so they know its what's asked of them.
On the occasions they start to go against or decide they cant be bothered I restrict the internet access,or for the younger one I will remind her I wont be paying for youth club or her magazine that week.
I don't argue with them about it and I don't get into a debate with them which is easy to do 😲.
I also stick to what I have said
If my 11 year old screamed and balled whilst I was trying to take her device away I would lock it away untill she could learn her manners and respect again 😲.
I like to remind my children these things they have aren't a right of passage and they should want to be grateful and respectful and if they choose not to be then I wont be supplying these things .
It can get tedious and grind you down on a bad week especially when your juggling work kids house etc but if you stick to your guns she will learn.
My 11 year old went through a faze where by she wouldn't get up when called in the mornings etc and I have myself to get ready for work and a five yr old to get ready for school.on one particularly bad morning I refused to help her do her hair and she didn't have time fir breakfast.so she ended up with knots which were awful and she was really hungry until lunchtime however it never happened again and she now gets herself up in plenty of time.
The best way fir them to learn is to see the consequences of being difficult.dont let it put you out or run around behind her as she will alway expect you to do it.
Teach them young to be organised and responsible.
My parents taught me to be organised young and gave me responsibilities at home and when I moved out at 18 I had a flat and a full time job and managed fine.
I now have 3 children ,a dh,a house to keep,a full tine job,2 crazy dogs and a mad rabbit and I juggle it all fine 😲😵

Why are they sharing a room?  They are both going to be going through puberty. She already will be for definite and that's probs why the moods etc. If she feels like she has no space to call her own never mind all the bodily changes that are embarrassing at that age, it's no wonder she's acting out. Your son sounds equally exasperated by her behaviour hence why he is doing the washing up and sorting bedroom out etc. I'd work on getting them in separate rooms for a good start..maybe then she will also have more respect for her surroundings and her brother won't feel he has to miss out, if she doesn't do what she is meant to do.

Maybe the OP lives in a two bedroom house?

I would discourage her brother from doing too much for her, and explain to her that she must earn time on her devices (and pocket money) by completing chores. Write a short list of what is required from her then simply ignore any tantrums / whining, and stick to the rules.

Sadly sometimes it's not possible for them to have separate rooms. My DS 17 and DD 13 still have to share, the price of living in council accommodation in London. And we're not a priority for a move, far from it. Sure, they argue, but sharing a room with a sibling is pretty normal I'm afraid. In an ideal world and all that. X

This. Totally agree. X

OP. I know I'm looking from the outside in but I would have told her to swing for the hot chocolate! Lying in bed demanding it and complaining she couldn't sleep because she didn't have her drink?? It's a drink full of sugar so hardly condusive to sleep. Stop letting her pull your strings my love. Gawd, I've got two teenagers myself and they need a total kick up the butt sometimes!! Xx

Isn't it a stipulation of the council houses though that opposite sex do not share a room after 10 or something?  Never done that myself but I'm sure I've seen that it's a big no no and also makes you qualify for a bigger place.