Is this guy abusive too?

18 answers /

Last post: 03/04/2023 at 12:04 pm

HAZEL D(112)
Hazel D(112)
28/03/2023 at 2:54 pm

We split up 2 weeks ago, before this he was really nice. Probably the nicest guy I met but he was very needy, followed me around the house and argumentative, mean things were said between us because he thought I was going to end it with him so he made it worse.

Since then he's been contacting me constantly and he's in a mess because he loves me that much, he's crying and everything. I nearly called police it was getting too much..

Anyway now he's getting councelling and he's told my sister he is getting councelling, he has a telephone appt this week for an actual appt with them.

Anyway, I was really stupid and unblocked him because I missed him a bit and he's straight away said he can't lose me. He said he nearly lost his mind. He's at his worst. Apparently I should have just asked to go on a break instead of breaking up.


He doesn't account for the fact he called me a coward at the beginning of our relationship for not being sure whether to be with him as I'd just got out of an abusive relationship and he says he is a great guy still to this day.

My family all love him and they can't see past the creepiness. He wants me to meet him tomorrow. Not sure what to do now. I don't want to cause any more harm.

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HAZEL D(112)
Hazel D(112)
28/03/2023 at 4:07 pm

He has now sent a picture of him self (not crying but smiling) and said how can I turn him down.

I find that creepy.

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HAZEL D(112)
Hazel D(112)
28/03/2023 at 5:26 pm
In answer to
Hazel D(112)

He has now sent a picture of him self (not crying but smiling) and said how can I turn him down.

I find that creepy.

He asked me if I feel guilty. I said what I do have to be guilty about?


And in the end I blocked him.

I can't keep going round and round in circles.

I don't want him. It's just ridiculous and he's a bit deluded really.

Just wanted to know if it's a type of abuse?

Or just a lucky escape.

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ZOE C(33)
Zoe C(33)
28/03/2023 at 6:27 pm
In answer to
Hazel D(112)

He asked me if I feel guilty. I said what I do have to be guilty about?


And in the end I blocked him.

I can't keep going round and round in circles.

I don't want him. It's just ridiculous and he's a bit deluded really.

Just wanted to know if it's a type of abuse?

Or just a lucky escape.

Hi,


I would say for your own safety please do not meet up with him alone. If you want to meet up and talk just take someone along for support.


It sounds very much like emotional abuse what he is doing and if he wins you over with that who knows what it can turn into next.

Be cautious and be safe xx

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KAYLEIGH W(312)
Kayleigh W(312)
28/03/2023 at 8:52 pm
In answer to
Hazel D(112)

He asked me if I feel guilty. I said what I do have to be guilty about?


And in the end I blocked him.

I can't keep going round and round in circles.

I don't want him. It's just ridiculous and he's a bit deluded really.

Just wanted to know if it's a type of abuse?

Or just a lucky escape.

Hi Hazel,


I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. I hear that part of you is conflicted and unsure about what to do next, but you are feeling ‘ creepiness ’ from your ex and I think you should trust this instinct. He has not been respectful of your boundaries after you ended the relationship, the constant contact could be considered harassment and this is abusive.


Don’t feel like you have to meet him in person Hazel, you don’t owe him anything. Sometimes other people can try to make us feel responsible for their feelings and actions, but I want to remind you that you are not responsible. He needs to take responsibility for his own wellbeing and reach out for support from others if this is needed, you don’t have to feel pressured to go against your own wishes for his sake. This can be a tactic abusers use to play with a person’s emotions and make them feel like a bad person.


You mentioned you have recently left an abusive relationship too - after what you’ve been through I wonder if this has left you feeling less confident. Have you received any support after this? Even once the relationship has ended, abuse can have an impact, it might leave you feeling low or anxious. Women’s Aid have a helpful page with more information about this here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/


If you would like any further help from the parent supporter team, we have a board on Domestic Abuse here: https://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/drop-clinic-984/domestic-abuse-41/


Take care,


Kayleigh

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HAZEL D(112)
Hazel D(112)
29/03/2023 at 12:37 pm
In answer to
Kayleigh W(312)

Hi Hazel,


I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. I hear that part of you is conflicted and unsure about what to do next, but you are feeling ‘ creepiness ’ from your ex and I think you should trust this instinct. He has not been respectful of your boundaries after you ended the relationship, the constant contact could be considered harassment and this is abusive.


Don’t feel like you have to meet him in person Hazel, you don’t owe him anything. Sometimes other people can try to make us feel responsible for their feelings and actions, but I want to remind you that you are not responsible. He needs to take responsibility for his own wellbeing and reach out for support from others if this is needed, you don’t have to feel pressured to go against your own wishes for his sake. This can be a tactic abusers use to play with a person’s emotions and make them feel like a bad person.


You mentioned you have recently left an abusive relationship too - after what you’ve been through I wonder if this has left you feeling less confident. Have you received any support after this? Even once the relationship has ended, abuse can have an impact, it might leave you feeling low or anxious. Women’s Aid have a helpful page with more information about this here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/


If you would like any further help from the parent supporter team, we have a board on Domestic Abuse here: https://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/drop-clinic-984/domestic-abuse-41/


Take care,


Kayleigh

Just less confident in guys. I'm going to stay single and like Zoe said I won't be meeting up with him or speaking to him any longer.


I can say that I am much happier on my own.

I'll be very happy to stay single for a very long time.


Thank you for replying

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HAZEL D(112)
Hazel D(112)
29/03/2023 at 3:35 pm

He keeps messaging my sister! I asked him to stop and he said he’ll stop if I unblock and talk as friends. I think I need counselling myself. I’m so annoyed. I have been treated bad by too many people and they’ve got away with it every time.

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SWEET B
Sweet B
31/03/2023 at 5:18 pm
In answer to
Hazel D(112)

He keeps messaging my sister! I asked him to stop and he said he’ll stop if I unblock and talk as friends. I think I need counselling myself. I’m so annoyed. I have been treated bad by too many people and they’ve got away with it every time.

From experience nip this in the bud now, get your sister to block him and do not unblock him. He if doesn't stop when asked constantly it's classed as harassment and he can be reported but you must be blunt with him and tell gim to leave you alone and do not contact him. Best of luck x

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EMMA R(6)
Emma R(6)
31/03/2023 at 8:10 pm

Do not go back.


Our instincts are there for a reason.


You can't be with someone who makes you feel creeped.


He's emotionally manipulative.


Tell him you never want to see or speak with him again. Block him. Deal with the loneliness. You are indisputably better off without him.


Your family don't know him. It honestly doesn't matter what they think.


Trust yourself. Stay far far away from him.

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BELINDA M(4)
Belinda M(4)
31/03/2023 at 8:30 pm

Stay well away from this one! Seriously sounds like this guy needs to sort himself out before he goes into a relationship. It's sad really but do not feel sorry for him!! From experience feeling sorry for someone can be mistaken (by them) for you having feelings for them.


If you don't want the relationship I would say youre happy he is reaching out to get the counselling but politely make it clear that you do not want him to contact you or your family again and block him on all social media and phone. If he continues to try to contact you or your family keep a log/diarize it and contact the police to report the harassment. Do not meet up with him and stick to your guns.


You have had a lucky escape don't get sucked in. He is a grown man he can sort his own self out you just focus on you xx

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SHELLY B(80)
Shelly B(80)
31/03/2023 at 9:27 pm

Im sorry you are going through this but from what you have said i would remove myself keep away no contact he sounds unhinged.. i couldnt help but think of the coronation street stalker storyline when reading this. He honestly sounds deluded and abusive. Please move on becareful and stay safe. I would consider contacting police in regards to his messages for advice and to have it logged keep all thongs he sends you incase you ever need it.

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SAM G(18)
Sam G(18)
31/03/2023 at 9:31 pm

Nope. Trust your gut. Always. You know its creepy behaviour, he has made you uncomfortable on several occasions. This is manipulation. It's totally unhealthy for anybody to be that dependent on someone else for their own happiness, sounds like counselling is a great idea for him, hopefully he continues with that for his own sake.

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LAURA L(26)988824
Laura L(26)988824
01/04/2023 at 10:02 am

It sounds like you have made your decision (a sensible one) but now you are intermittently reinforcing his behaviour with the unblocking/blocking speaking/not speaking malarkey going on. You mention about your family not seeing the creepiness but then you seem to be leaning towards interacting with him to stop him messaging your sister...him messaging your sister seems like the most obvious and clear way he's going to out himself to your family if I'm honest. You've asked him not to contact you or your family, ignore him now and move on. Don't play into all these routines and just ignore the rest of it. He sounds like a very needy, desperate and mentally unwell person - he needs to engage in his therapy without continuing to obsess and ultimately if you just block all contact he will have to move on to obsess about someone or something else. Just tell your family you've found him overwhelming and you've cut contact. If they choose to keep speaking to him ask them not to speak to you about him. I don't think you need to question whether it's abusive though- I'm not sure what qualifying that is going to achieve, you don't need to justify your decision to leave him to anyone and you certainly don't need to get others to agree he was abusive to validate your experience. If you were uncomfortable you were uncomfortable, that's the end of it, move on. I wouldn't waste my breath talking about him to others, and certainly you don't need to prove your experience to anyone x

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STACEY W(483)
Stacey W(483)
01/04/2023 at 10:27 am
In answer to
Hazel D(112)

He asked me if I feel guilty. I said what I do have to be guilty about?


And in the end I blocked him.

I can't keep going round and round in circles.

I don't want him. It's just ridiculous and he's a bit deluded really.

Just wanted to know if it's a type of abuse?

Or just a lucky escape.

Yes it is a type of abuse. He's trying to control, manipulate and harass you and it looks like hes succeeded with your family. Please don't meet up with him and if you do make sure you take someone with you. If he continues please make a report with the police. If he threatens to kill himself if you don't give him another chance, report him to the police and anything along those lines. If you have ANY kind of proof whether it be call logs(yours and your sisters), text/app messages etc keeps those safe incase you do end up needing them. Good luck and please let us know how you get on x

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JOHN D(25)
John D(25)
01/04/2023 at 11:52 pm
In answer to
Hazel D(112)

He asked me if I feel guilty. I said what I do have to be guilty about?


And in the end I blocked him.

I can't keep going round and round in circles.

I don't want him. It's just ridiculous and he's a bit deluded really.

Just wanted to know if it's a type of abuse?

Or just a lucky escape.

he is waving more red flags than a communist party rally. Stay well away. Stay safe, explain to all your family to block him and screenshot any threats or creepiness that is borderline threat or harassing.

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