Advice

Hi Jonathon,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - support for dads board, so you can get the advice and support you need.

Hi Jonathon

I’m Lauren one of the parent supporters here on Netmums.

It sounds like a difficult situation presently, you are not getting enough sleep and your partner is expecting you to do an equal amounts of nights with your little one. I’m wondering have you been able to talk to her about this?

Sharing the load is essential and important, but also there needs to be a way to ensure you get both get enough sleep to work and to look after the little one. I wonder could one of you go to bed very early and get up early with the little one? And the other do later and later start in the day?

I wonder how your partner has been since the little one arrived? Is she struggling? Does she feel like she needs more support?

Hopefully some others will have suggestions too.

I don't have any advice at the minute, especially as you've already discussed this with her...What is her argument in return because from what you've put here, it seems like she isn't being very fair in the situation? I'm curious to know first, why she thinks you're wrong?

Agree, maternity leave with just one to look after sounds like a doddle (and yes I gave done it) so unless there's exceptional circumstances she's milking it and needs to pick it up. Maybe you guys never thought this through in the beginning? Was there any discussion about who would do what? And what happens when you're both back to work?

Sorry none of that is helpful but does sound like she's being unreasonable. I'm also married to an aircraft engineer so know a bit about the hours and workload.

How about you go to bed earlier and get more sleep then you can share in the night feeds, you made the baby too, it should be 50/50. So sick of hearing men say that they shouldn't have to do night feeds because they work, your partner is responsible for a small human being, imagine she falls asleep and accidentally sets the house on fire because she's so sleep deprived. How would you feel then? Just do your share and stop complaining.

Being married to someone in the same profession I fully understand the importance of safety! And that you can't be turning up to work on a couple of hours sleep.

You said you've spoken to your partner, but are they struggling? And they don't know how to tell you perhaps. No one wants to admit if they are finding things tough. And babies don't come with manuals LOL.

Could you maybe do the feed before to heading to work? And then one when you get back home in the evening? Thats assuming you work days.

I hope you work something out. These first few months are hard, but it all gets easier

It sounds like she is milking it to me. Yes you should be taking your fair share, but. You work in a job where it is absolutely crucial you get the rest your body and mind need. You need to talk to your wife firmly and make her listen to you before you have an accident at work.

Wow - he is doing his fair share . He explained the safety issue surrounding his job and going to it sleep deprived.

it’s on him if he puts someone at work in danger - where will mum be when he in prison for doing something like that as she didn’t understand the safety aspect of his job .

Difference is mum is on maternity leave so currently not working atm , but dad is so extra responsibility. Some compassion would not go amiss for this poor man’s despair . If it was a menial job I would then say so yourself should be helping more but as he has explained the safety aspect of his job which requires adequate sleep and functioning then this is different.

It seems you have two seperate issues you don’t think you should do night feeds, and you don’t think your wife should go out when you’re tired.

The night feeds you need to work together to find a solution that works for you both, when you say you do half are you alternating? Or doing a block up to a certain point? Could you do a block say one go to bed at 8 and take over from the other at 1/2? Depending on what time you leave for work? So you’d both get 5/6 hour block of sleep each day? Or you do all the feeds when you’re not working so your wife gets 2 full nights vs your 5 full nights? But you’d do extra when on holiday from work?

Do you take over with the baby and house when you get home so your wife gets an actual break or to have a nap? Are you expecting wife to be on top of the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc while looking after the baby and sleep deprived or are you doing at least half of these jobs?

The going to an exercise class is a couple of hours at most, you expect your wife who has just as little sleep as you to look after the baby every day in this state of exhaustion, yes your work is important and you need to be able to function. But so does she, she’s keeping your baby alive, if she falls asleep holding the baby on the sofa she could smoother the baby.

It sounds to me like your both so exhausted you’re past being able to communicate effectively. You feel more entitled to sleep because you’re doing a dangerous job outside of the home, she probably feels like she’s doing everything all day on her own and she needs a break and sleep to keep her functioning.

Is there any family or friends that could help? Could someone watch baby so you could both catch up on some sleep? Or have a bit of couple time, focus on each other a bit. It would be easier to have this conversation if you weren’t both sleep deprived, so maybe find a way. What about a deal when you’re off next you do one full night, she does the other then try and have a conversation about both of your concerns for lack of sleep and how best to handle it.

I think she's being rather selfish! With all 3 of our children, when I was on maternity leave I did all the night feeds when DH was working and he took over 1 night a week at the weekend so I could catch up. Bearing in mind I had a newborn DD and DD of 12 months who were both up during the night, it was tiring but I wasn't going out to work every day.

Try and sit down with her and explain your reasons for being worried and also that if you make a mistake, it could potentially cost lives and cause you to lose your job!

Of course he shouldn't. The mum is on maternity leave, he is at full time work, where sufficient sleep is required for safety reasons. It's entirely selfish of the mum to expect him to do 50% of the night feeds whilst she is at home all day. He's doing his fair share already.

Hi, I agree with the majority of other replies - she's being unreasonable. When ours were little we shared nights until DH went back to work. He needed sleep to be able to do his job properly so moved into the spare room until LO was sleeping better.

As others have suggested, could you sit the time differently. You take the lead 6-10 then go to bed for the rest of the night. That way she gets a big chunk of sleep too, and can nap during the day. I hope you are able to resolve this. Maybe let her read these replies and see how many other mums are responding.

speak to her, maybe she just wants time to herself and needs sleep too but haven’t seen it completely in your light even though you have mentioned it. I’m on maternity and I do all the night shifts, cleaning and cooking but he’s got me a cleaner once a week to do the big bits (bedsheets, bathrooms and kitchen, hoovering the whole place) and a part time nanny once or twice a week so I can go sleep or work out or do something I want. If you could afford a nanny or cleaner a few hours a week it’s a life saver to the cleaning and baby downtime.

We used to share night "duties" because even if she is taking care of the baby all day it doesn't mean she does not need some respite.

What we used to do was alternate every couple of days. In other words, she will do all night duties for a couple of days and I get 2 good nights sleep then switch round so she gets 2 good nights sleep to recharge her batteries. It worked for us, hope you will find a way.

I think night duties helped me bond with my kids as babies. Just make sure you get early nights on your nights so that you can handle it. Also, always helps to know you will make up for lost sleep in a day or so. The body quickly slips into the routine.

Hope that helps.