Best interest at heart
6 answers /
Last post: 11/12/2022 at 11:55 am
Stuck in the middle
I have been with my partner for 7 years. 6 years living together. I have 2 dd 15 and 10. Their father has not been on the screen for 5 yrs. Never paid financially. That's not the issue.
The issue is that my oh has taken on these girls as if they were his own. He is a natural with them offering suppor with homework going to school events. Making every birthday special. Recently the ex has been in contact with the eldest. And she wants to meet up. Now my partner is feeling like his been punched in the stomach and feel used by it all. How,what can I do to get the best results for both of them.
Hi Megan,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - support for dads board, so you can get the advice and support you need.
Hi Megan,
I’m Lauren, one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. It sounds like a challenging situation for you, your partner has stepped in and given a lot of support for your children and built that relationship with your daughters.
Now, your eldest who is 15 is keen to have contact with her biological dad again. I appreciate that is difficult for your partner, but it is important that she is able to build that relationship with her dad too. That doesn’t mean that changes anything in terms of what she feels about your partner. Do you think he can understand that? She can still have a good relationship with him and build a relationship with her biological dad.
It is difficult if you are getting pulled into being stuck in the middle. Do you think your partner can see the wider picture in terms of the importance for your daughter to be able to explore a relationship with her dad?
What do you think?
I understand how you partner feels, to be honest I'd probably feel the same. It sounds like a hard situation, but then being a parent is damn hard. I think its ok if he shares them with you as his partner and you can reassure, comfort him etc.
But it is important he puts those feelings aside where DD is concerned. Her dad is part of her identity no matter what has happened in the past and if she wants to build a relationship she should be given the scope and opportunity to do that. It doesn't mean your partner means any less to her, it doesn't mean that anything in their relationship has to change from what it all ready is.
Do you think he is capable of prioritising DD's needs over his own?
Why does he feel used??
The kids have the right to know where they've come from and to be able to learn about the other side of their family.
I don't think you should have to do anything to buffer it. It's no different to when children are adopted etc and then track down birth family to find answers about who they are and make other connections. Making it about himself is just wrong and quite simply could push your 15yr old away if they feel like he's trying to guilt them into cutting off their bio dad.
Of course your partner is going to be worried and afraid. That's natural.
However, remind him that he's the adult in this situation. He's the one who has to take the higher ground. That's what it is to be the adult.
He cannot 'win' by being possessive of her, or jealous or letting her know how hurt he is. He can only win by being the bigger man, by supporting her wish, by encouraging her, by making it clear his love is unconditional. If he expects her to choose, he will lose, because she will choose not to be forced.
Tell him to say to her that he supports her in wanting to know her father. Tell him to say his love is unconditional, and he will love her no matter what.
That's simply the only way forward, to put on his big boy pants and support the girl he loves like his own.
