TW Historic Sexual Assualt

Trigger Warning **sexual assault**

When I was 18 (I’m nearly 40) I was sexually assaulted by a boy I knew.

I’m not sure how, but I went from relatively sober, to paraletic drunk without really drinking anything, I can’t say for definite if I was drugged or if it was just the delayed aftereffects of alcohol or what.

I was at a party at a friends house and this boy, who has always been a “letch” and far too over-friendly, followed me upstairs with another friend (who’s a boy, it was his house) so I could sleep in his spare room, the last thing I can remember is both of them in the doorway. When I woke up in the morning I was completely naked, in bed lying next to this guy. He was fully clothed. I absolutely would not have consented to anything with this guy, I also had my period and being 18 i absolutely know that I wouldn’t have consented to anything with him - I hated him before this happened. I’m also not in the habit of removing clothing in my sleep.

There was a weird vibe in the morning, I left and cried outside the house.

Anyway, 20 years later and I still see this man around. We don’t even acknowledge each other. My issue now is that he is now an elder of a church in my town, and there are constant photos of him and teenage girls, smiling, and being well - Letchy. Some of these girls are daughters of some friends and are incredibly vulnerable young women. He takes part in lots of “youth group” activities.

I don’t know what I want from this post. I don’t want to go to the police, because after more than 20 years nothing can be done. I live in a small town where everyone knows each other and he’s obviously well known and respected by a lot of people.

But I can’t get the thought out of my head that if he does something to someone else then I’ll be partly to blame because I stayed quiet.

I do believe that this has effected my whole life. I suffer from low self-worth, anxiety and self-esteem issues.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get it out there.