Parental feelings about daughter having a girlfriend

7 answers /

Last post: 11/03/2023 at 7:18 pm

HOLLY R(224)
Holly R(224)
05/03/2023 at 8:43 pm

Hello

I’m looking for advice from parents who have been in the same situation.


my DD is very nearly 14.

As a family of 3 myself, DH & DD, both my husband and I are very liberal and have brought our DD up to be open and accepting of anybody, regardless of gender, religion, ethnicity & supportive of same sex relationships and.

LGBTQ+.

she is an avid sportsperson and in her field of sport it’s very common to have sane sex relationships, so it’s very open and it’s something we as a family have discussed openly in a supportive manor.

our daughter knows we love her unconditionally and she can be who she wants to be.


One of my DD friend is Bisexual and my daughter has become very close with her & I started to have a few suspicions, so I asked her if they were In a relationship which she replied yes. I’m so proud that she was able to be honest with me straight away and not to be ashamed of herself. She said her close friends know but wasn’t ready for her dad my DH and other family members to know which I respect. It’s not my place to share.

we had a good chat about it and I asked how long they have been going out (a few weeks, the girl asked my DD out) , did she know she liked girls? ( she said not liked girls before and classes herself as bisexual, she had a boyfriend briefly in year 7).

I just said to her don’t be pressurised to do something or be someone she isn’t. I love her and I’m always there for her.


since our conversations I need to chat about this, it’s hard as I feel like I’m keeping something from my DH.

I feel very emotional about it, I have NO homophobia or disappointment in her, in fact I’m so proud of her for being who she is, however I also have a strange feeling in my gut. Something that I’m unsure about & a feeling I can’t shift,

I am not disappointed in her, I love her for who she is, but why do I have this kind of sick feeling about it. I’m ashamed in myself for feeling this way.


anybody else had or felt like this and how did you come to terms with it?

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EMMA P(906)92272
Emma P(906)92272
06/03/2023 at 11:42 am

Hi Holly,


I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. It is wonderful how supported your dear daughter feels to be able to comfortably talk to you about her feelings. This must have been a big weight for her to carry and to know she has your support is vital for her wellbeing. It sounds like although you are very comfortable with your daughters sexuality, you are left with some unknown feelings right now.


This is very normal Holly, not only is this a completely new situation to navigate for you all but you now feel you are left alone with these feelings as you don't want to share your daughters story before she is ready to do so. The feelings you are experiencing can be down to a number of things, firstly you are experiencing a form of loss. It is the loss of the idea you had about your child's future and what you had envisaged. This can take some time to come to terms with and process.


Also it is normal to feel a level of concern that being LGBTQ+ may make things harder for your child, being concerned about possible bullying or finding it hard to deal with reactions from extended family.


Whatever you may be feeling Holly, your child is still your child and their sexuality is just one part of their identity. It can help to learn as much as possible about LGBTQ+ experiences and to talk to others on here who have had similar experiences. Hopefully some of our community will be along shortly to share their own stories.


The site Young Minds details some informative links and advice regarding how to navigate these experiences, I'll link it here for you. Sexuality and mental health | Understanding Your Sexuality | YoungMinds . It is important you and your daughter feel supported going through this.


Take care,

Emma

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JAIME S(21)
Jaime S(21)
11/03/2023 at 12:44 pm

Hi


I have been exactly where you are. My daughter now 19 has been in a relationship with her girlfriend for over 3 years now. At the beginning I was fearful and worried not because I don't support them or that I care about who they are with as long as they are happy I don't care. The girls are devoted to each other and I gained a second daughter. I love them both so dearly. However when I reflect back to how it was at the beginning I think in hindsight my fear came more from the world they were entering into. The acceptance or non acceptance within society. I wanted them to be happy and to be able to love carefree and be able to express themselves in the same way a heterosexual couple can. I have watched them grow in confidence and flourish together. Ive watched them grow into a confident loving couple who stick two fingers up to those who judge and they carry on their lives.


Take it day by day and just continue to support them. 3 years down the line and I'm prouder and prouder every day of the girls for all they have faced and all they have achieved. It is tough but over time you see the beauty in the majority of people rather than the ugliness of the minority. That was my biggest fear and my greatest achievement is knowing I have nurtured the strong loving woman who is proud to be who she is rather than ashamed of how she feels.


Hope this helps a little. Just know you've got this believe in yourself and know you've raised a true spirit in your daughter.

4
MAXUELLA A
Maxuella A
11/03/2023 at 12:59 pm

My SD has recently come out to me a few months ago. She came out to my daughter previously but wasn’t ready to tell me yet. Her dad still does not know and I don’t feel it’s my place to tell him. They don’t have a good relationship.


Similar to you I too had that weird feeling as well it’s unexplainable. Whenever she talks about her relationship I’m supportive but I definitely get the weird feeling. Also, my SD is older she’s just turned 21 I just asked her what made her come to that conclusion as she has never been in a serious relationship with a boy before? Her mom is a lesbian so she has always grown up surrounded by her friends that tended to be gay or lesbian. Her dad is a player and she was subjected to a lot growing up with him and it negatively impacted her. I just wanted to make sure that she was making the choice for the right reason. So we had a good chat about it and she was open with me.


When ever she speaks about it my stomach drops for some reason. She is the happiest I have ever seen her in her entire life. She said that she is finally experiencing what true love is like and she hopes to marry the girl and have kids one day. It’s not that I’m not happy for her but I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel guilty. They stayed in a hotel for her birthday and she showed me how the room was decorated in rose petals and candles etc. It was so kind and thoughtful and I know she has never experienced anything like that before but once again there was that feeling in my stomach. It just drops everytime.


So no advice on how to deal with it but just letting you know your not alone.

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EMMA L(994)
Emma L(994)
11/03/2023 at 1:06 pm

You are right that it's not your place to tell your husband. I had this same situation with my son and I just kept talking to him about how his dad would be supportive and love him no matter what. He eventually told him, in his own time when he was ready and, of course, his dad was fully supportive and lovely!

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NICOLA P(1206)
Nicola P(1206)
11/03/2023 at 1:31 pm

Firstly, I love how open and honest your relationship is and how she felt comfortable telling you this. You've done a fantastic job as a parent.


Personally, I wouldn't worry about telling your husband yet.


If your daughter isn't ready for others to know, I think you should go with that.


Plus she's so young still and it's only been a few weeks, it may all fizzle out before it properly starts.


I think you're doing a great job!

1

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EMMA R(6)
Emma R(6)
11/03/2023 at 7:18 pm

I think I can help.


Our DD was 12 when she told us she was lesbian (two years ago). It was a shock to say the least, we just didn't see it coming. We'd mused occasionally about wondering if our DS is gay, but literally never gave a moment's thought to our DD. I'm rather pleased with how we handled it at the time, much love and support. My DH felt she wasn't old enough to know, but I felt she was, and she told us she had been thinking about it for about two years.


Anyway, it was way harder than I thought it would be. I always thought I'd be totally cool and laid back if our kids were gay. And I am, we are. But I had emotions I absolutely didn't expect. I cried. Not because I didn't want a gay daughter, but because it's such a very hard path, I knew far more than she did was difficulties lay ahead of her and how much stronger she would have to be, how much abuse she would be subjected to, how dangerous it still is in many places. I was and am afraid for her.


I sought conversations with my friend in the US whose DD is lesbian too. She told me how, when her DD told her she said all the right things, was super cool and loving, and then cried for an hour in the car afterwards. Now she's a mum who goes on Pride marches wearing at-shirt saying 'free Mom hugs'. It took her DD another year to tell her father. It took the whole family a while to absorb and adjust to their new normal.


It's okay to find it hard. Unconditional love doesn't mean you won't ever struggle, it doesn't mean you won't ever cry in secret, won't ever need to process things our kids tell us slowly. Total acceptance doesn't mean it isn't hard, it just means the love is unbreakable.

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