Toilet phobia

Hi Joanne,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - child mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need

Hi Joanne

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks for reaching out. It can be really worrying as a parent to hear your child has developed a fear or anxiety about something but phobias relating to the body can be common for young people. It's great that he was able to confide in you. Can you tell me a little bit more about him? What age is he? Have you noticed a time when it started or perhaps when it wasn't affecting him as much?

I'm going to suggest that you make an appointment with your GP for him, Joanne. They can rule out that there is nothing physical going on for him and just give him a bit of a check over, which might be important if he is avoiding eating and drinking at times. They will also be able to refer on to your local CAMHS or Early Intervention service who might be able to provide some talking therapies to help him understand and challenge his fears if that's appropriate.

In the meantime, I'm going to link a couple of things here which you might find useful reading. The first is some info on Toilet Phobia from Anxiety UK and whilst it's not child specific, it will provide some general advice. The second is for an organisation called YoungMinds which is a really helpful website for Parents and Young People around mental health. Here's the links:

Toilet Phobia - Anxiety UK

Phobias | How To Get Support For a Phobia | YoungMinds

Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but please come back to us if you want to chat some more

Catherine

Hi Catherine, thank you for your response.

He’s 11 going on 12 soon, he also has autism which can affect his anxiety which doesn’t help. From what he’s told me, he doesn’t like public toilets due to the lack of privacy rather than a physical problem. He doesn’t like urinals and I don’t blame him, especially urinals outside of school where there could be grown men! He worries that he would be teased. I’ve suggested stalls although h says they’re either occupied or it’s still not much privacy. Also it’s the idea of people knowing he’s going that also scares him. I can’t particularly remember a time where it started to be honest

Hi Joanne,

I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums working alongside Catherine. From what your son has shared, it sounds like this is a psychological difficulty rather than a physical one as you mentioned. Talking therapies can be helpful in supporting people to manage phobias and this lack of privacy fear is something that your son could explore further with a therapist. As Catherine mentioned, you can speak to your GP about a referral for this.

In the short term, I wonder how it might feel for your son to use a disabled or an accessible toilet? These are usually single cubicles which might be helpful whilst he is struggling with lack of privacy. People with hidden disabilities are also entitled to use disabled toilets if needed and it sounds like your son’s autism may be contributing to his anxiety around using public toilets.

Wishing you all the best,

Kayleigh

Thanks Kayleigh, my som did express that he found it helpful to talk about it with me after the initial hesitancy. I’m going to look into a GP referral although I know that can be a lengthy process and I’m not sure how he would initially feel talking to a ‘stranger’ especially since it’s embarrassing for him. Do you think it’s best if I try to talk to him more often about it or am I best leaving it until he can talk to a professional?

I’ve mentioned using single toilets and he seems more inclined although he just doesn’t like using any toilet outside of the house. And there are fewer singular toilets at school. He’s told me in the past teachers have forced him to go during school trips even if he didn’t need to go which caused panic in himself.

Hi Joanne,

I understand your concerns about how he might find talking to someone else about this at first. It may be that it takes some time for him to build up trust in a therapist and they'll also be able to reassure him that anything said will be kept confidential. Absolutely do keep talking to him about it in the meantime, it's great to hear that he's found it helpful even though he was unsure at first.

If you wanted to try to explore some coping techniques with your son, there are some helpful resources here: https://www.toiletanxiety.org/handouts.html

They have some information about techniques like guided breathing and mindfulness.

I'm sorry to hear he has had some issues with teachers being forceful about him going to the toilet. This may have exasperated his anxiety as you have picked up on. You could consider letting the school know about these difficulties, if your son would be open to this, hopefully to avoid this in the future. It may be that this teacher had good intentions in prompting him but it has backfired.

Take care,

Kayleigh

My daughter used to be like this due to sensory issues, she has just about grown out of it now at 9. Some things I did with her was lots of reassurance, tried to not use the hand dryers where possible as this was a big trigger and she also hated the smell and if they was unclean so carried hand gel for hands if she was too upset to wash them, made sure the toilet was flushed before using it and dettol wipes to clean the seat :) but even know she still likes me to go in with her so she doesn't have to lock the door

My oldest son was the same at primary school. He was making himself poorly over it and wetting himself on the way home. I spoke to the school and arranged for him to use the staff loo just before lunch when there was no one around. It didn't solve the whole problem, there were still days when ideally he could have done with going 1 or 2 more times in the day but it got him through a rough time. Once he was in secondary he was more able to cope.