Remember those nights of unbridled passion you used to have pre-kids, when you could have sex in any room of the house, fling your clothes all over the place and make as much noise as you wanted? Ah, those were the days …

This page contains affiliate links, which means we may earn a small amount of money if a reader clicks through and makes a purchase. All our articles and reviews are written independently by the Netmums editorial team.

As every mum knows, life changes beyond recognition when you have children, and that includes your love life. Forget skimpy undies and sex toys: these days, you're doing well if your knickers don't have holes in.

Here are some of the thoughts that cross our mind while we’re having sex. Please don’t say it’s just us …

The things mums think about during sex

1. I’m not sure I’ve got the energy for this. Still, at least it’s a chance for a lie-down, right?

2. Ooh, look at that huge cobweb in the corner. I wonder how long that’s been there?

3. I’d have done something about my bikini line if I’d known I was getting my kit off today. He’s going to get stubble rash if he goes down on me.

4. Did I remember to send Ella’s dinner money to school?

5. We really need to redecorate this bedroom. I swear the damp patch by the window gets bigger every time I look at it.

6. What time did I book the Tesco delivery for, again?

7. I really hope the kids can’t hear us. I never realised our bed springs were so squeaky.

8. Is that rain I can hear? I should have got the washing in before we got naked.

9. God, look at the size of my thighs. I think I need to treat myself to a bit of pampering and some un-mumsy undies to make me feel better about myself.

10. I hope that Octonauts DVD doesn’t finish before we do. I’ve NO clue how I’m going to explain this if the kids walk in …

11. Being in bed is making me sooooo sleepy. Would he mind if we just had a quick nap instead?

12. Ooh, ouch, not there, please! My undercarriage has never been the same since that second-degree tear.

13. I really shouldn’t have finished the toddler’s leftover beans on toast at lunchtime. I feel a humongous fart coming on …

14. Is it wrong to fantasise about Mr Bloom?

15. Is he fantasising about Nina from Nina and the Neurons?

16. Urgh, it’s so hard to get in the mood when the kids could burst in at any moment. We need to escape for a night away. Note to self: ask Mum when she can have the children for a sleepover.

17. Is that next door’s dog barking AGAIN? Someone should phone the RSPCA about the poor thing.

18. Sh*t: forgot to send my sister a birthday card.

19. Come on, come on, let’s hurry up now. The casserole will be done in 10 minutes.

20. Being able to see the laundry basket out of the corner of my eye is a total passion-killer. How can one family make so much washing?

21. Something smells a bit fusty in here. Either the cat’s left us a present under the bed or I forgot to put deodorant on this morning.

22. Can he see how much my muffin top is wobbling? He must feel like he’s shagging a bouncy castle. Then again, he’s filled out a bit since we first got it on, and I still fancy him …

23. What was I thinking when I chose the curtains for this room? They’re totally the wrong colour.

24. Must remember to put the bins out tonight.

25. I wonder how long it is since we did it in anything other than the missionary position. Next time, we’re totally trying something new before we’re too old and creaky to attempt it.

26. I remember when we used to talk dirty to each other. Now our only dirty talk is about whose turn it is to change a nappy.

27. Must. Not. Close. My. Eyes. So tired …

28. Shhhh, is that one of the children on the stairs? Ah, no: it’s just the central heating groaning.

29. We really need to get a move on now. We’re on borrowed time, here.

30. Is it hot in here or am I just having a pre-menopausal moment?

31. I need to remember to book the car in for an MOT. I bet it costs a bloody fortune, the old rust bucket.

32. OK, who’s been sticking Peppa Pig stickers to the side of my bedside table? Is nothing sacred in this house any more?

33. Ooh, hang on, ooh. That feels nice. Keep going, keep going!

34. Yes! Yes! YESSS! Ahhhh, that was so good. We’ve still got it, we’ve TOTALLY still got it.

35. Now, where are my pants? I can hear the oven timer beeping.

What plays on your mind when you’re having sex? What are your tips for getting in the mood?