Child protective over me

7 answers /

Last post: 27/02/2023 at 3:02 pm

DDPID23
Ddpid23
25/02/2023 at 9:40 pm

Hello everyone,


I’m having trouble with my dd who is having bad separation anxiety when she goes to stay with her dad.


For the last few months, she has unusually been extra clingy with me and distraught when she has to leave me. She’s also started displaying behaviour where she’s mothering and protecting me. She’s expressed that she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s because she misses me and doesn’t want me to be on my own. We reassured her everything is fine but it’s now getting worse.


Her dad was emotionally abusive towards me and even though we’re very cautious around my dd with things that are said and emotions while I heal, I’m concerned she’s picking up on my trauma.


Is there any advice that anyone can pass on or has anyone had similar issues before?


Thank you x

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GU C
gu c
26/02/2023 at 9:05 am

Hi Annabel,


We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - child mental health board, so you can get the advice and support you need

1
KATIE P(2400)
Katie P(2400)
26/02/2023 at 9:51 am

Hi Annabel,


I'm Katie, one of the Parent Supporters here.

I can hear that this is really difficult for you, it sounds like that handover point is very distressing for both you and your daughter.


Annabel, do you find yourself feeling anxious during the hours before she is due to be picked up?

It would be completely understandable if you are. Could she possibly be picking up on those vibes?


How old is your daughter?


You mentioned that for the last few months she has been very protective towards you. Can you think of anything that might have happened at that time to trigger this? Perhaps starting school, moving home, a bereavement?


I appreciate that there are quite a few questions there, and you don't have to talk about anything that you don't feel comfortable with here. It can just be really helpful to us to get the best picture we can to offer you the best advice we can.


Could it be an option to arrange contact through another family member so that you don't have to have contact with your ex Annabel?


Have you had any professional support to deal with the trauma before, such as therapy or support from a specialist domestic abuse service?

It sounds like you have been through some really tough times and have had to be really strong for both you and your daughter, which can be incredibly exhausting.


Please do pop back if you would like to keep chatting with us.


Katie x

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DDPID23
Ddpid23
27/02/2023 at 10:23 am
In answer to
Katie P(2400)

Hi Annabel,


I'm Katie, one of the Parent Supporters here.

I can hear that this is really difficult for you, it sounds like that handover point is very distressing for both you and your daughter.


Annabel, do you find yourself feeling anxious during the hours before she is due to be picked up?

It would be completely understandable if you are. Could she possibly be picking up on those vibes?


How old is your daughter?


You mentioned that for the last few months she has been very protective towards you. Can you think of anything that might have happened at that time to trigger this? Perhaps starting school, moving home, a bereavement?


I appreciate that there are quite a few questions there, and you don't have to talk about anything that you don't feel comfortable with here. It can just be really helpful to us to get the best picture we can to offer you the best advice we can.


Could it be an option to arrange contact through another family member so that you don't have to have contact with your ex Annabel?


Have you had any professional support to deal with the trauma before, such as therapy or support from a specialist domestic abuse service?

It sounds like you have been through some really tough times and have had to be really strong for both you and your daughter, which can be incredibly exhausting.


Please do pop back if you would like to keep chatting with us.


Katie x

Hi Katie,


Thank you for your response and I’ll try my best to answer all your questions.


My dd is 5 and a half. She has had lots of changes in her life in the past 3 years since our split including multiple houses moves on both sides and a new baby on her father’s side.


I would say my anxiety has only increased in the last couple of weeks as I’m realising this is a becoming a problem. We try to distract her as much as possible but she’s obsessed with ‘how many sleeps’. Even getting upset on our recent holiday constantly thinking about going back to her dad’s.


I am having trauma therapy myself at the moment to get through what happened to me. It’s only really started to sink in the past 6 months what happened and we’ve been separated for nearly 3 years. I’m currently not speaking with him directly and having all conversations through his new girlfriend who is lovely.


It is a difficult time and I’m worried that somehow my daughter is reflecting my trauma.


Best wishes x

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CATHERINE M(1132)
Catherine M(1132)
27/02/2023 at 11:03 am
In answer to
Ddpid23

Hi Katie,


Thank you for your response and I’ll try my best to answer all your questions.


My dd is 5 and a half. She has had lots of changes in her life in the past 3 years since our split including multiple houses moves on both sides and a new baby on her father’s side.


I would say my anxiety has only increased in the last couple of weeks as I’m realising this is a becoming a problem. We try to distract her as much as possible but she’s obsessed with ‘how many sleeps’. Even getting upset on our recent holiday constantly thinking about going back to her dad’s.


I am having trauma therapy myself at the moment to get through what happened to me. It’s only really started to sink in the past 6 months what happened and we’ve been separated for nearly 3 years. I’m currently not speaking with him directly and having all conversations through his new girlfriend who is lovely.


It is a difficult time and I’m worried that somehow my daughter is reflecting my trauma.


Best wishes x

Hi Annabel


I'm Catherine and I work with Katie here at Netmums. Thanks so much for coming back to us. You sound like you are really tuned into your little one's feelings and emotions whilst working through your own experiences. Kids can pick up on our emotions as parents but you are working really hard to support her so please be gentle with yourself Annabel.


Have you chatted to your therapist about your daughter's anxiety? Would she have any suggestions how to support her? I wonder if it would help if she had a visual reminder, like a calendar or a whiteboard where you could write all of her activities for the week? This could be somewhere where she could see it and check it like the fridge. It might help her to see her week and also see that she is coming back home to you after being at dad's house. It would also give you way to talk to her about all the other exciting things she has to look forward which might help her focus on something else she is looking forward to.


Have you come across an organisation called Young Minds? They have an excellent website with advice to support young people's mental health. I've linked it here in case you want to have a wee read: Supporting A Child With Anxiety | Tips & Advice | YoungMinds


Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support. Please come back to us if you want to chat some more.


Take care


Catherine

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ADELE T(106)
Adele T(106)
27/02/2023 at 12:40 pm

Its really interesting for me to read this as I m experiencing something similar. Not separated from kids dad but its touch and go whether this is going to happen. Others have pointed out he can be very emotionally abusive towards me I do t really see it but I sometimes think you don't when your in it? Anyway my 3 year has recently become very obsessed with me and saying he needs to stay to protect me but he's unsure on what. I don't necessarily think your projecting your trauma but you like myself I would imagine are giving off energy that they're picking up on.

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SHELLY B(80)
Shelly B(80)
27/02/2023 at 3:02 pm

This is really hard probably for all of you involved im glad you like his gf and can communicate its a good start. Could you try her going to dads for an hour then she comes home then 2 hours and work up slowly and see if this eases her reaction as well as telling her what you will be doing so she can see your busy whether its washing, hoovering boring jobs she doesn't like maybe etc so she has fun whilst your busy it may help for ur little one also don't tell her you will really miss her or that you missed her loads when she comes back as that can be another thing that some little ones can take hard. It could be he has a new baby and she feels pushed out from them even if they aren't and are including her. I really hope u find something to help you both xx

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