should we cut ties with daughters dad that is due to get out of prison soon.
7 answers /
Last post: 13/04/2023 at 11:36 pm
Just looking for some sort of guidance/advise.. I would like opinions on my situation. (All opinions welcome!)
Long post sorry!
My ex went to jail when I was pregnant, for quite a long sentence.
My daughter is 8 now, we were visiting when she was younger, then covid hit & we stopped visiting. ( she doesn’t remember this & didn’t know where we were really visiting).
I met my current partner & we have a baby now. he has always tret my daughter as his own and loves her to bits. She then started asking questions about her dad, why he couldn’t come see her, why he didn’t take her out, get her presents etc.
She didn’t know where he was at this point. I told her and she took it amazingly well. I asked if she wanted to visit him & I’d take her, she said no she’d wait until he got out. He rings on a weekend, sometimes shel speak, sometimes she won’t, she gets bored quite quickly.
Anyways he’s due to get out next year & I’ve been told we will need social workers involved (don’t have them involved currently), he will only be allowed supervised contact with her, contact centres etc.
Im not sure if he would of changed his ways, when he comes out or go back to how he was. He’s been in and out of jail most of his adult life, never really had a job, never had a stable home. He will be in some sort of hostel when he gets out.
I’m beginning to think that it’s best we maybe cut ties with him now.
Where do I stand? Will she resent me? Or do I wait and see how it goes and let her make her own mind up?
Hi Sarah,
I’m Kayleigh, one of the parent supporters at Netmums. I hear that this decision is really weighing on you, you want what is best for your daughter and it sounds like you are concerned that her dad won’t be able to be a consistent, reliable person in her life due to how he has behaved previously. It may also feel daunting to have to use contact centres and have involvement with social services, you may be unsure what to expect. There is some more information here about Child contact services and preparing children for supervised contact that may be helpful: https://naccc.org.uk/faq/how-can-i-prepare-my-child-for-their-first-child-contact-centre-visit/ This would mean you can feel assured that your daughter will be in a safe environment if she were to meet with her dad.
You are questioning where you stand. If your daughter’s dad wanted contact he could try to pursue this through court, but this would be assessed with your daughter’s best interests as the priority.
If you felt comfortable to, you could consider talking to your daughter about this. You have done so well previously having difficult conversations with her, which speaks to the strength of your relationship. It sounds like she may have had an expectation of meeting him ‘when he gets out’ but this didn’t feel concrete at the time, you could revisit this with her and explore how she may feel about seeing her dad.
Hope this helps Sarah. If you’d like any further help from the parent supporter team, you can make a thread in our drop in clinic here: https://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/drop-clinic-984/
Take care,
Kayleigh
Let her see her father even if is supervised . If you don’t facilitate the relationship with her biological father she could resent you when she is older .
Also I am sure social series would step in if think seeing him would not longer be suitable or advisable for your daughter.
It obviously depends on if he is violent and whether he is a threat to her but assuming not as you have kept in contact I think I would support contact. Talking on the telephone is boring. She might enjoy it more in person. Also it gives her the chance to make the decision. If after a while it fades out because she doesn’t want to go or your ex just fades away then the decision will be made for you. As someone else said she may resent the fact that she missed out on the chance to build a relationship with him. But it is ultimately your decision. Good luck and I hope everything goes well.
Unless he’s a paedophile I can’t see the harm in supervised visits, she’ll be safe which is priority and if it doesn’t work out further down the line at least you’ve tried.
No would be good see her dad. Unless he is a risk to her etc I'd let them see each other and go on visits and bond and take it from there he may well be a good dad. He needs that chance. Ur partner isn't her dad and shouldn't be called dad.
She is his child too X
No would be good see her dad. Unless he is a risk to her etc I'd let them see each other and go on visits and bond and take it from there he may well be a good dad. He needs that chance. Ur partner isn't her dad and shouldn't be called dad.
She is his child too X
The fact u visit etc shows he never did any harm to either of you. People make mistakes they learn and weather he goes back in or not if he's a good dad and wants see her he should and should even if he goes back in at any point. Keep the phone calls and send letters cards pictures each month he's still a dad nobody can replace that and will end up seeing him when old enough anyway so best u can do is send pics letters and visits x