I would like to swap our custody arrangements
6 answers /
Last post: 19/01/2023 at 9:12 pm
Me an my ex have a 2.5 year old daughter, our current arrangement means that I have her Friday evening until Monday morning (70:30) (it doesn't work like this as I am often asked to pick her up on Wednesday or Thursday, or if I can keep her until Monday or Tuesday evening, over a 3 month average (this is how long I have kept records) I have her 50:50.
I don't feel like my daughter gets the appropriate care while living with her mum, she has a poor diet as mum feeds her almost exclusively on cheese, biscuits, crisps, chocolate and sweets (that and She still breastfeeds her as it helps mum with her eating disorder).
I never pick her up with fitting clothes (usually age 12-18m) .
When I do pick her up she is usually filthy covered in sticky sweets.
She also usually has a full nappy and nappy rash (atleast once a month but usually once a fortnight).
My ex has also sub let my daughters bedroom out so now my daughter not only shares a bedroom, but also a bed with her mum (to my shock I have also found out that she is sleeping with another man while my daughter is asleep in the same bed)
She started pre school in September for 2.5 days a week, and she has already missed 8 days even with me helping out with having her for extended periods ( her current attendance is 84%) ,I understand the she doesn't require to attend school until she is 5, my concern is my ex attendance at school was less than 50% across the 5 years and she feels like 84% is a good attendance.
My ex has also recently gotten pregnant (out of a relationship) and wants to keep the baby even though she is struggling both mentally and financially, and I feel like this will take even more attention and funds away from our daughter.
My ex also has an eating disorder that she has managed to keep in check by breastfeeding, but she is going down hill again and has started experiencing fits, this is a safety concern to me.
I don't want to stop my ex from seeing my daughter as this wouldn't be good for either of them, but I believe I can offer much better care and a better upbringing for my daughter.
I am well aware that my ex wouldn't agree to swapping the child arrangements, and that I would need help to make this arrangement happen. My question is 'would this have to go to court to decide or would for example social services or other similar services be able to help?
Hi Simon,
I'm Catherine one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. This sounds like a difficult situation for you all. I'm wondering are these worries recent or have you had concerns for long time? You haven't told us how you and ex communicate - would you be able to chat through some of things with her? Co - parenting can be really hard. Some parents find it helpful to use a mediation service as it can help to have that neutral person there to discuss those challenging topics. Here's a link to more information about mediation that you might find useful https://www.netmums.com/support/mediation
If you have serious concerns about her well being, social services will be able to support and advise or NSPCC have some excellent information and resources on their website. Here's a link to their website https://www.nspcc.org.uk/
Hope this helps and come back to us if you need any more support
Catherine
If your daughter's mother is really as bad as you say then social services would be your first port of call. However, you should give her the heads up before you do this..maybe it might shock her into being a better mum, I believe everyone deserves a chance to change.
You sound like a wonderful father though and no matter how awful her mum may be behaving you sound like your offering her the stability and love that all children need and deserve.
I would tell her she's got to sort her ***** out, give her a set timeframe to do it otherwise your contacting social services and your going for full custody. Keep records of situations and be prepared for a fight.
Your daughter is very lucky to have a dad that provides financial, emotional and physical support. Just protect her from the drama, kids love their parents no matter how awful they are and no matter what course of action you take she will feel it.
Good luck with everything :)
I wouldn't report her to social services unless you have very serious concerns about your daughter's safety. SS will come and turn all of your lives upside down. However, if you do believe she is in danger or being neglected then of course social services will help.
If you just feel you will give your daughter more security and opportunities then I would suggest to go through mediation as a starting point. From there you can discuss options and get a solicitor to come up with an agreement regarding custody.
I also want to add, maybe mum just needs a bit of support! If you had your daughter full time how would she get to nursery? Maybe you can still get her to nursery as if she lived with you? (My kids didn't go to nursery all the time and my 14year old is taking 2 gsces early)
Mum must be having financial difficulties if she is letting out a room, can you help? Being pregnant with an absence father isn't a bad thing and won't affect your daughter but if you see mum is struggling maybe bring round a home cooked meal to put in the microwave for them both.
Speak to Social services about it and as you've laid it out on here tell them I'd be personally alarmed she's sleeping in bed with mum and one other has she no bed of her own there and she breadt feeds cause it helps her eating disorder I can't imagine she's getting much nutrition and I'm not anti breast feeding before someone corrects me if there are no issues and SS are ok about it then so be it at least you've told them about it and she actually may appreciate their input if it's in the child's best interests xx
I understand right now your feeling worried and concerned, but from reading your post you don’t seem very supportive tbh, stuff like she’s got pregnant “out of a relationship” breastfeeding “because she has an eating disorder”
It seems to be snipes more then figuring a way past the problems at present.
things like the clothing could you buy some extra clothing and give them to mum and say that you’ve noticed some of the clothing is a tad small that you’ve bought some new to keep there?
it does seem that mum just needs some extra support. I understand you feel you could provide better care etc, but it’s extremely easy to say this when it’s a 50/50 arrangement, until the clocks are turned and you would have the responsibility of finding appropriate childcare for work (which then you would see where the financial struggle comes from) and funding that childcare.
I would personally mention to mum though about your daughter having her own room and space as really this is needed for her, it’s not fair for her to have no bedroom.
if you genuinely feel you have the evidence to do so, contact social services, however (my husband was in a very similar situation with his ex about the children) they can sometimes take things as tit for tat in some circumstances. You can’t judge her on being pregnant with a baby and suggest this will affect your daughter because who knows in a months time or 8 months time she could somehow be more financially stable and have more then enough for both children 🤷♀️ best not to make assumptions and stick to facts.
I would personally start by having a chat with mum and offer your support, buy some clothes that fit and let mum keep them so you know she’s in proper clothing and explain if ever she needs anything for your daughter to let you know and your more then happy to help anytime.
I wouldn’t be fixated on who can provide the best care, you both need to coparent to show you both are capable of that, good luck x
