I don’t know what to do…

Hi Chelsea

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - support for dads, so you can get the advice and support you need.

Hi Chelsea,

It sounds like you have been able to talk to your partner about how you are feeling and he does listen, but then nothing really changes.

You mentioned that you think that maybe he could be depressed, what makes you think this could be the case Chelsea? Has he been to see the GP about his moods and how he is feeling?

You have your natural instincts to keep your son safe, but it sounds like your partner is learning how to parent. He cares for your son but the practical parenting duties aren't coming naturally to him, does that sound fair to say?

Could it be worth looking into whether there are any parenting programmes running locally to you that you could both attend together?

You deserve to feel supported by your partner and to feel that he is able to keep your son safe and feeling secure too.

Katie

Hi Katie,

thank you for your reply, it’s much appreciated.

I understand that the natural parenting instincts are all new to him etc.

and I’m not sure what makes me feel that way, but something just feels like he could be depressed. I suffer from depression, anxiety and ptsd, so I know the signs, but it just seems like somethings wrong.

Thank you for popping back Chelsea.

Do you think he would be open to talking to a professional about his mental health?

Does he have a family member or close friend that could perhaps could have a chat with him for you if you are feeling worried?

Hi Chelsea…

The knife issue I get…

However, a year is not a long time for you to expect another man to be more helpful with your child…. You either need to give it more time or just get on it with yourself… You can’t expect him to do things a dad would do…

I understand he got with you knowing you had a child but this is where the problems lay people are always so willing to accept people have children but they don’t understand the reality of having to look after a child it’s not easy especially when it’s not your own…

So yeah…. Don’t expect too much be patient and be the parent you done it before this man entered your life keep doing it whilst he’s in your life… It’s your child…

Completely agree with this poster.

The knife fair enough but everything else quite frankly isn’t yet his responsibility.

Some people just don’t have that natural instinct. Some women, but probably more so men. You have only been together a year. If you were single you’d have to do it all your self like a lot of people do. He’s your partner yes but he’s not your child’s father. Maybe you are expecting too much too soon. Safety is paramount. There’s no excuse round a child. He needs to wake up and realise it’s a child. If he puts the child at risk then he shouldn’t be around your child. But it’s not his child and you have only been together a year. It’s your child. Your responsibility.

Hi,

I have to disagree with the other posters. It’s a natural instinct to help a child. It’s also common sense. When you care about someone if you see an opportunity to help it’s a natural reaction to help wherever you can because you want to make your partners job easier. If the shoe were on the other foot and it was a man posting I bet the comments would be different. There’s a double standard a woman would be expected to just naturally jump in and do it all but with men people make excuses and they are held to a different standard.

if you have to keep speaking to him about the same thing and there’s no change you need to ask yourself how sincere is his apology? I’m not saying to cut him off but you do need to be honest with yourself because if he isn’t the right fit than you don’t want to continue investing time into the relationship that will only make it harder to end it if that’s what it comes to.

I’m saying that because I was a single parent from when my daughter was 2. My next serious relationship was when she was four. It was just a natural progression to help with generic things. I was very conscious because she was a girl so I would never let him bath or anything like that but basic stuff was natural. Because they care about you and your well-being so naturally they would care for the child that’s also a part of you.

hi Chelsea,

OK so you definitely need to get some help with the depression . because if left without help then it can escalate and only get worse. tablets might help and definitely counselling can make a huge difference. sometimes people with depression need a little help to get the help that they need . The depression could be the reason he's not thinking straight when it comes to the safety of your child.

As for the not helping you, maybe it doesn't come naturally to him? or he doesn't know how much to help you ie he might not want to interfere. With that in mind just ask for the help. start with little things like could you please read a story or watch him while I take a shower . by giving him directions you are slowly building his confidence to do it alone without you having to ask and he will know what you want help with etc. looking after children doesn't come naturally to some people especiallyif they havent been around them before . you have had 3 years to learn what to do he's has 1 year of watching you do it. I would say just encourage him to help . x

A year is a very, very short amount of time especially when you have a child as obviously they are your priority and take up so much time. You can't rush or fake a genuine supportive, intimate relationship no matter how much you want it to get passed the casual dating stage into comfortable long term territory. You need that time to get to know each other properly, and let it develop naturally. Is your partner living with you? Do you feel you have moved too fast and haven't laid the foundations of what you both expect? Does he understand that staying with you means taking on a step father role? Nothing you have said about his behaviour sayd depression imo. It says someone who is reluctant to fill that role, even after being asked to do so. The temper and snapping at a 3 year old worries me, that says to me immature, someone eho can't regulate their emotions around a child. I think you need to slow it right down and take your feelings for this man out of the equation when you look at the situation. You say that you talk and he agrees with you but his actions are telling you something else entirely. What someone does is more important than empty promises.