Unsure whether I should move or stay?
31 answers /
Last post: 14/03/2023 at 3:21 pm
My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years and we have a 3 year old, I just want some advice as I don’t really know what to do right now…
So we have been married for 3 years as I have said already but something happened during my pregnancy that made my feelings change for him, I totally lost all sexual attraction for him which wasn’t his fault and there is nothing wrong with him however I do still find him good looking.
I have been feeling the same way for a very very long time (2 years+) but we do have a great emotional connection and friendship but even though I didn’t really fancy doing anything in a sexual way I still do it to make him happy.
However over time he started steroids and was continuously rude and blunt to me and I think that kind of put me of it as well and sometimes I would watch what I was saying before saying it to avoid him being rude or blunt to me.
I started going to gym and I was going for a while until someone in the gym caught my eye (I haven’t looked at another man this way whole time being with my husband until now) and at first we would literally look at each other all the time and we spoke then we went onto start speaking and we’ll with this person I seem to have such sexual attraction and we met up a few times and I was unfaithful.
It didn’t go on for very long before I confessed to my husband as although this happened I am a very nice person and I couldn’t just hide it anymore.
Since telling him, he has forgiven me but he wants us all to relocate 250miles(5hours) away to be near his family, which I totally understand and I would get more help there but part of me doesn’t want to go as where we are at the moment is my home, all my friends and family are here, I have tried reasoning with him about just moving just say 30 minutes away but he finds it’s unacceptable.
Any advice?
Your husband is on steroids and continually rude and blunt to you.
He's rude to the point where you feel you have to be careful what you say to him.
He's quite happy to have sex with you even though he knows you don't really want to.
When you mention a problem, his solution is to take you 250 miles away from any other support you may have, and to a place where he will get lots of support.
If your best friend, sister or daughter came to you and told you these things, would you advise them to move 250 miles away to be with this man? Personally, I wouldn't.
My advice would be to get away from this man as soon as you can. If you think that would be difficult, get in touch with Women's Aid and have a chat with them.
Good luck.
Hi Becky,
We've moved your thread to our sex and relationships board, as we think it's a more appropriate place for this topic and you’re more likely to get responses here.
Your husband is on steroids and continually rude and blunt to you.
He's rude to the point where you feel you have to be careful what you say to him.
He's quite happy to have sex with you even though he knows you don't really want to.
When you mention a problem, his solution is to take you 250 miles away from any other support you may have, and to a place where he will get lots of support.
If your best friend, sister or daughter came to you and told you these things, would you advise them to move 250 miles away to be with this man? Personally, I wouldn't.
My advice would be to get away from this man as soon as you can. If you think that would be difficult, get in touch with Women's Aid and have a chat with them.
Good luck.
The best advice. Sounds like a controlling narcissist to me.
If you no longer feel the same way about him then leave him. Do not even consider moving away. You have your support network where you are now, don’t leave it. You need them.
Steroids can be awful and completely change someone , however, that does not make his behaviour ok at all if anything he should stop taking them if its risking your relationship. I will say this though if you relocate it has to be a joint decision and its clearly not. Its taking you away from your support network and isolating you. If it didn't work out it would be a nightmare to get back. I don't condone cheating etc but same time you have to think whats right for you plus relocating will not sort out the issues in your relationship. It's a temporary fix. If anything I'd try relationship counselling as it's a safe space to go through your issues if you can save the relationship and then see after that.
Don’t move, even if you think your marriage can be saved.
Once you move you are isolated from your family and friends, which is probably just what he would like.
If he is rude now he will only get worse as he takes more steroids. If things get out of control and you need help whose side do you think his family would take?
Take care of yourself and your child first.
He wants to take you away from your support network and from everything you know so he can control you completely. Don’t go! He is partly to blame for you being unfaithful. If he wasn’t so rude to you would you have looked elsewhere? And he will continue to be rude and blunt when you move away. Are you willing to live with that for the rest of your life away from your friends and family? I suggest you stay where you are and let him go if he wants.
Are you insane?? You should be running for the hills not considering moving 250 miles away from everything you know and love. Tell him to go if he wants to be near them. It will be a huge mistake if you go with him.
On a separate note, men don’t forgive infidelity in my opinion. Some might but the majority don’t. He’ll make your life hell for what you’ve done in one way or another whether he seems to be dealing with it well or not on the surface the fact he’s trying to take you away from your support network is a huge red flag to me. Good luck.
To be honest, I am on the fence on this.
I was married, was a caring, loving husband and Dad. But my ex wife still cheated. She then said it was my fault she cheated, and that she is a really nice person.
However, thats what SHE told people. She created her narrative and had told me that she would give me equal custody if I didn't tell people she had cheated etc. In the end my kids were more important to me, but in me not saying anything, it allowed her to tell her pack of lies, her warped narrative to people behind my back and make out she met him after our divorce, etc. But my ex has shown her true colours and become the worst type of narcassist going!! I just couldn't see it before until after the Divorce started and saw her for her true self.
But she has now painted herself as the victim instead of me. But I know the truth and so do our kids. And the truth ALWAYS comes out.
I don't know you. I don't know your situation, I don't know the truth. But no person deserves to be cheated on.
Now is he wanting to move you that far away to SAVE your marriage, because you are still seeing this person, or might still see them or he is worried you might and he wants to still save the marriage?
If you wasn't getting on, you should have gone to see Counseling or decided to split up. Not jump in bed with someone else. I'm also sure it was probably more than once.
Maybe I am wrong??
It's just the fact that you painted him as the villain before telling us you cheated, then told us you are a nice person.
To me, that seems to be narcassistic tendancies in itself.
I think you should go to couples counselling. Or if he won't go go on your own.
Work out what you want and go for it.
I can see lots of different angles around this and I guess everyone wil have an opinion. But they aren't you and aren't on your journey. Over the years Ive kinda realised doing nothing impulsively and talking to someone who has no agenda (a counsellor shouldn't have one) really helps.
It will work out for you. Take care
Honestly: You should leave him.
He's abusive ... not horribly or illegally, but abusive nonetheless.
Moving someone away from their close connections is a classic abusers technique.
He makes it so you have to walk on tip toes around him. You don't find him attractive.
The questions isn't 'should you move locations' it's 'should you move relationships'.
Please
please
please
leave him and find yourself a good man
he is on steriods, rude to you, makes you think twice in your own home..
and you think YOU’RE the problem?
no sweetie, you are not.
speak what you want, feel what you want..nothing should be controlled so he doesn’t lose it
this is abusive. Imagine how isolated you would be on your own near HIS family who would always take HIS side. Imagine if he tells then you were unfaithful? They would go against you and you would be alone.
please think about this. You being unfaithful maybe was the door opening to your new life. You deserve happiness
Honestly: You should leave him.
He's abusive ... not horribly or illegally, but abusive nonetheless.
Moving someone away from their close connections is a classic abusers technique.
He makes it so you have to walk on tip toes around him. You don't find him attractive.
The questions isn't 'should you move locations' it's 'should you move relationships'.
Under current UK law, this could indeed be illegal.
I think you should go to couples counselling. Or if he won't go go on your own.
Work out what you want and go for it.
I can see lots of different angles around this and I guess everyone wil have an opinion. But they aren't you and aren't on your journey. Over the years Ive kinda realised doing nothing impulsively and talking to someone who has no agenda (a counsellor shouldn't have one) really helps.
It will work out for you. Take care
Based purely on the original post, if the OP disclosed these circumstances to any couples counsellor who adheres to one of the main ethical frameworks in the UK, that counsellor would be unable to offer counselling.
Abusers are very good at using counselling to further their abuse of a partner, which is why COSRT, BACP, et al consider it unethical to offer couples counselling to couples where one partner is abusive.