‘Feral’ Stepdaughter

13 answers /

Last post: 16/04/2023 at 4:07 pm

ELLIE M(11)
Ellie M(11)
10/04/2023 at 10:18 pm

My stepdaughters (now 6) behaviour is becoming appalling. The way she treats her dad is awful and I don’t know what to do.


from what I’ve seen, her behaviour has slowly become worse over the last year. In September, me and her dad also welcomed her baby brother which potentially has made things worse.


The main problems are not being able to entertain herself at all, the baby is capable of more. And she will not take no for an answer, backchatting everyone including grandparents which is embarrassing. She also demands when she doesn’t get her own way and has even damaged her brothers things because she’s been told no.


as an example, she was told she needed to wait for me to finish unpacking the shopping before I’d open her biscuits. (I didn’t say no to biscuits, it was just a request to wait a moment) We then had tears and tantrums and she claimed her brother never had to wait for food. He’s a baby and breastfed so it’s a bit different.


I’m worried my son is going to copy her behaviour and I’m also concerned that she may hurt him during one of her strops. She lives with us half the week and I get really uptight about her coming over as every week ends in arguments or my husband being embarrassed of her out and about. His mom has even referred to her as feral after she spent a day with them crying over stupid things. (His mom thinks the problem is spending time in two completely different houses)


now I get she’s a child and I don’t think she has an easy life with her mom. Her mom never seems to want to spend time with her so she’s always sleeping at a relatives house in her moms time. But it’s really starting to effect my relationship with my husband and it’s not a nice environment for my son either.


Does anyone have any advice? I’m dreading it getting any worse and I’ve never met such a cheeky child

0
GILLIAN(1)
Gillian(1)
11/04/2023 at 2:59 pm

Ellie first and foremost what a horrible title! How wud u like it if u split up with ur partner and the other woman called ur child "feral".


Have some compassion and understanding for the child. Her mother and father have separated and now her father is living in a house with another woman who is calling the call "feral" and she has had another baby with her dad. Obviously the child is going to feel put out and jealous.

3
ELLIE M(11)
Ellie M(11)
11/04/2023 at 6:28 pm
In answer to
Gillian(1)

Ellie first and foremost what a horrible title! How wud u like it if u split up with ur partner and the other woman called ur child "feral".


Have some compassion and understanding for the child. Her mother and father have separated and now her father is living in a house with another woman who is calling the call "feral" and she has had another baby with her dad. Obviously the child is going to feel put out and jealous.

i didnt call her feral, if you read my post I’m referrring to what her grandmother called her

1
ELLIE M(11)
Ellie M(11)
11/04/2023 at 6:29 pm
In answer to
Gillian(1)

Ellie first and foremost what a horrible title! How wud u like it if u split up with ur partner and the other woman called ur child "feral".


Have some compassion and understanding for the child. Her mother and father have separated and now her father is living in a house with another woman who is calling the call "feral" and she has had another baby with her dad. Obviously the child is going to feel put out and jealous.

Also- these issues started long before her brother was born and hence is not jealousy

1
CHELLE
Chelle
12/04/2023 at 9:44 am

Hi Ellie,


We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - child mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need

0
CATHERINE M(1132)
Catherine M(1132)
12/04/2023 at 7:05 pm

Hi Ellie


I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you so much for sharing and reaching out to us.


Ellie, it sounds like a tough situation and you have 2 kids here at different ages and stages who need different things from their parents. I can hear your worry about your little one copying behaviours you don't like but I can also see that you are trying to tune into your step daughter by mentioning 'I don’t think she has an easy life with her mom. Her mom never seems to want to spend time with her so she’s always sleeping at a relatives house in her moms time'.


It sounds a little like maybe your step daughter might not be sure of where she fits and her behaviour may be her way of communicating that to the adults she trusts - what do you think Ellie? Often when kids experience change or worries, they can go back to behaviours that don't feel as age appropriate, like crying or whining and I wonder if that's what your husband's mum noticed when they had her out for the day.


It's possible that your step daughter will adapt and behaviour may be a phase but I wonder if you and your husband might be able to have a chat about setting some boundaries and also rewards for the behaviour you want to encourage for when she is staying with you? I wonder also if you could involve your step daughter in making a family picture or story or photo album about her family which might give you all a chance to chat about how families can change and how much everyone is loved which might help her feel included or reassured. I've also found this Netmums article which you might like to have a read at: Helping your child adjust to a new sibling - Netmums .


In the meantime, have you friends or family that you can lean on and who can give you a break? It's important to look after yourself too. Please come back to us if you want to chat some more.


Take care


Catherine

0

Pssst!

Get the day’s best CHAT sent straight to your inbox

I have read and understood Netmums' Privacy Notice and Terms & Conditions

CHRISTINE M(177)
christine m(177)
15/04/2023 at 11:51 am

Hi Ellie

it sounds like this little girl is struggling and doesn’t know where she belongs !! Maybe when she is at your house then her dad could spend some one to one time with her , take her out and let her know she is still special to him !! I know you have said it was the same before the baby arrived but at that time she was still sharing her dad with another woman which is not her mum !! You also said that her own mum doesn’t seem to spend time with her , poor little girl No wonder she feels left out and as if she is being short changed like comparing her waiting to the babies waiting that tells me that she doesn’t feel her needs are as important as the babies, I feel like she needs lots of reassurance and time spent with dad and some days maybe you could join them or even an activity at home but just quality time making her feel special with no distractions !! Shame on her grandmother for referring to her as feral that’s terrible and I hope she has never heard that comment as that is very damaging to a child self esteem

2
SIOBHANN D
Siobhann D
15/04/2023 at 1:04 pm

Hey.


this little one is feeling put out. Her mum and dad spilt, hard to deal with, then she was no longer daddies little girl as another woman stole her daddy, then her brother came along and gets more time with daddy.


the only thing you can do it shower her will love, not spoil her, but give her time. Maybe each of you set a timer and spend just 10 mins quality time with her and just her, no phone. Allow her to pick an activity.


good luck

2
ELLIE M(11)
Ellie M(11)
15/04/2023 at 4:33 pm
In answer to
Siobhann D

Hey.


this little one is feeling put out. Her mum and dad spilt, hard to deal with, then she was no longer daddies little girl as another woman stole her daddy, then her brother came along and gets more time with daddy.


the only thing you can do it shower her will love, not spoil her, but give her time. Maybe each of you set a timer and spend just 10 mins quality time with her and just her, no phone. Allow her to pick an activity.


good luck

Thanks for all the suggestions.

She definitely hasn’t heard anyone refer to her as feral, but we have been correcting her.


I think it could be love she needs if anything. She does have quite a bit of 1-2-1 time already as we already put that time aside for her. We even take her swimming and her dad takes her in the big pool while I take my son in the baby pool but she always seems so ungrateful and it always ends in arguments. Then at least twice a week I’ll sit and either read a book with her (as in she reads) or I read to her.


Her parents also split when she was quite young when her mom met someone else. I know she had a lot of hatred towards him but he’s since moved on. I’m not sure she remembers her parents being together - I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

0
BELINDA M(4)
Belinda M(4)
15/04/2023 at 8:07 pm

It sure sounds like this little girl is having a hard time. All you and your partner can do is give her lots of love and time.


Kids get cheeky- my 5yo is getting cheekier than ever and we have lots of tantrums now too, he is very impatient at the moment because he wants his independence but isn't able to do everything for himself just yet. So I wonder if this is partly developmental and partly finding her place what with your new arrival maybe she is feeling a bit insecure?


It can be so tough when you only have limited time and input to a child's life- it took a long time for my step sons to adjust to two different households and very different parenting styles, but they got there and now know what to expect/what is expected of them in each home.


Also, I wouldn't worry too much that baby will copy her specifically- wait til baby gets to school I'm sure there will be plenty of not so desirable influences there anyway!! But it takes all sorts. You would do well to encourage the siblings to have a relationship, maybe you could let sd help out with baby like a special duty of reading baby a bedtime story that will make her feel included and special as a big sister?


Hope things settle down for you a bit soon xx

0
Can't find your answer?
ELIZABETH M(761)
Elizabeth M(761)
16/04/2023 at 7:32 am

Hi, have you heard of attachment disorder? If you Google it I think you will find some likeness to this.

If her parents separated when she was very young it most likely had a more significant impact than people realised.

I'd be interested to know what you think.

Also look up PACE - Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy. I started using this way of parenting mostly and it's helped me adapt the way I see my son's behaviour and how I react to it.

0
ELLIE M(11)
Ellie M(11)
16/04/2023 at 4:04 pm
In answer to
Belinda M(4)

It sure sounds like this little girl is having a hard time. All you and your partner can do is give her lots of love and time.


Kids get cheeky- my 5yo is getting cheekier than ever and we have lots of tantrums now too, he is very impatient at the moment because he wants his independence but isn't able to do everything for himself just yet. So I wonder if this is partly developmental and partly finding her place what with your new arrival maybe she is feeling a bit insecure?


It can be so tough when you only have limited time and input to a child's life- it took a long time for my step sons to adjust to two different households and very different parenting styles, but they got there and now know what to expect/what is expected of them in each home.


Also, I wouldn't worry too much that baby will copy her specifically- wait til baby gets to school I'm sure there will be plenty of not so desirable influences there anyway!! But it takes all sorts. You would do well to encourage the siblings to have a relationship, maybe you could let sd help out with baby like a special duty of reading baby a bedtime story that will make her feel included and special as a big sister?


Hope things settle down for you a bit soon xx

Thank you, it’s good to know it’s not just us experiencing cheeky behaviour.


The reading thing is something we already do ☺️ Only issue it causes is if my son won’t sit still she gets stroppy with him but sometimes I can’t get him to sit still as he’s only 7 months. But they do play together, I just don’t fully trust her so always keep and eye on them.

0
ELLIE M(11)
Ellie M(11)
16/04/2023 at 4:07 pm
In answer to
Elizabeth M(761)

Hi, have you heard of attachment disorder? If you Google it I think you will find some likeness to this.

If her parents separated when she was very young it most likely had a more significant impact than people realised.

I'd be interested to know what you think.

Also look up PACE - Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy. I started using this way of parenting mostly and it's helped me adapt the way I see my son's behaviour and how I react to it.

Hmm I’ve had a look at this and some things seem familiar but not all. She has no difficulties making friends and she does smile, but the extreme reactions is something she definitely does. I’ll keep an eye out for other symptoms

0