Mum taken daughter away
8 answers /
Last post: 07/09/2022 at 6:52 am
Hi
I am a dad to a 14 year old daughter. Ive shared care with her mum for the last ten years but to be honest ive done most of the running around etc for her.
Last christmas my daughter falls out with her mum and she comes to stay with me full time. Its been hard and tiring with working too etc. Her mum has not been very nice to my daughter, didnt send a birthday card or present and done a few things which resulted in her having some breakdowns which Ive supported her through. We have just been on holiday, which was mostly nice.
Her mum has refused to support my daughter financially during this period, meaning I had to put a claim into the CMS which she is disputing.
Out of the blue last weekend her mum wants to take her away for the weekend. I said fine that would be nice but thought it was a bit odd. They go shopping and to the theatre.
Monday comes and my daughter spends a lot of time on her phone to her mum.
On Wednesday I drop my daughter to the bus stop and say goodbye. In the afternoon I get a text from her to say she has gone to live with her mum for a bit. Im pretty much in bits when i read this and try to call her and text her but no answer and her phone location has been switched off.
I just cant believe her mum has planned this behind my back and taken her without some sort of discussion. I know my daughter needs to see her mum but im left stressed out not knowing when im going to see my daughter again.
I tell the school whats happened and phone social work but not much help.
I am really worried for my daughter and what this will do to her and her welfare. She was supposed to attend a class Wednesday evening which she excels in but her Mum never took her. My daughter only told me a few weeks ago that she feels like she does not have a mum. Her mum barely cooks and last year let my daughter go to her boyfriends at the time when she had covid. She is pretty chaotic. Ive provided my daughter with routine and stability over the years. I am worried she is going to be neglected after the novelty / honeymoon period wears off.
I just cant believe someone would plot to do this without having a discussion about this first. It just seems reckless and honestly i feel she has been coerced because of the CMS situation. My daughter also has a pet at home so she has abandoned her responsibility for this. So i feel it is utterly reckless on her mum's part and given no consideration to anything except herself.
Ive been an emotional wreck for the last few days, and just want my daughter home so we can talk this through, and i miss her so much. I did get some texts from her yesterday which was good to say she was ok.
Any help or advice much appreciated.
Hi George
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - support for dads, so you can get the advice and support you need.
Hi George,
I’m Lauren, one of the parent supporters here on Netmums. I’m sorry to read that things are so difficult right now. You’ve told us that out of the blue your daughter has gone to live with her Mum. Naturally after so long with you, you are concerned and worried about the impact of this.
I wonder, would you be able to discuss it with her Mum perhaps with the help of mediation to look at how together you can both support her? There’s some information here that might be useful https://www.netmums.com/support/mediation
Trying to keep a relationship with your daughter is important, without putting her under pressure. I wonder would a letter to her help to demonstrate that you understand that she wants to be with her Mum right now but you want to also have a relationship with her.
Family lives has some helpful information on their website here https://www.familylives.org.uk/ and an advice line you can call.
Do you have much support for you? Anyone to talk to and support you through this?
We are here to listen, do come back and talk some more,
Hello! Oh my I feel for you after reading your post, you must naturally be worried sick.
first of all, you are a brilliant dad and well done for doing your upmost best to give your daughter a stable life.
I do genuinely think you mentioning the CMS has clearly made her mum think “if I have her will the grass be greener” sort of way. In other words she probably didn’t like the idea of having to pay for her, but it will cost her a lot more money in the coming weeks to keep a teenager then what she would have been paying you initially. My worry is as soon as she sees this. She will realise the grass isn’t greener by having her daughter and just leave her to fend for herself (unless she is back in your care) but god knows where she’s taking her to!?
me in this situation if I didn’t know where my child was, after the location being turned off and no answer I would honestly contact the police and give them all of the information needed. Not to get her mum into trouble, more so, so they can complete a welfare check on your daughter to make sure she is somewhere safe and appropriate and that she has her mum there with her so she’s not just left on her own.
The police are usually extremely helpful and understanding when it comes to people needing a welfare check completed, you explain that mum hasn’t had contact with her and hasn’t been stable in her life and that you worry about where your daughters whereabouts is in this time.
I’ll be honest (from previous experience) you will have much better luck from the police, they will naturally put a referral in to social services and a social worker will be in contact with you probably very quickly.
you need to know your daughter is safe, if mum is to irresponsible to discuss this matter with you, she is clearly using your daughter as a weapon and to try and get out of paying for her. She should at least text you prior to any of this happening and in my opinion you should have all sat down together to discuss options moving forward, you sound like you’ve done everything you possibly can to be supportive towards there relationship as mother and daughter. Your daughters mum is not showing she has the same respect and it’s worrying that this could come across as her mum could be trying to alienate you from her life!
if you still don’t know where your daughter is, just contact the police for a welfare check, ask them to put a referral into social services so you can have some help and support with this situation and to know where you stand when it comes to seeing your daughter.
I really hope you manage to find out where she is with her mum soon, it’s important to encourage there relationship and it’s brilliant you’ve been doing so, however it’s very worrying that the location etc has been switched off. I don’t know why mum would do this, it seems completely unreasonable!
let us know how you get on x
So, if I put this into context...
8 months ago daughter has argument with her mum and storms off to live with you? You presumably didn't enter into a discussion about this with her mother, but just embraced this change in your favour, so to speak?
Now, the daughter has effectively done a uturn and done the same to you. But you believe that this is due to your requesting child maintenance, so the mother has coerced your daughter?
As hard as this must be, do you not think that perhaps, maybe, it's your daughter playing you both off against one another? Not necessarily purposely, but just doing what children do...
It could be due to her mum struggling, financially. It could be that water is now under the bridge and they're rebuilding their fractured relationship.
But until you speak calmly with your daughter you won't know.
This is alot to digest. But I'll tell you something it sounds kinda rich you being annoyed your daughter has gone to live with her mum, when essentially she did the same thing to her mum when running off to live with you.
It's not unusual for kids to be estranged from their parents and rekindle relationships. If you ask me my mum is a huge b*tch! She's non maternal, has a I don't care attitude and is cold, stone cold. We argued and fought while I was growing up, she kicked me out when I was about 13/14 to live with my dad, he threw me in care, mum took me back then kicked me out at 15 👌But you'll never guess what, I turned 18 got my own place, saw her once a week and started kindling a relationship again. When I had my little girl she was round every single day making sure we was okay? We only speak now if it's to do with my siblings.
There's nothing much you can do, apart from be there for your daughter when she needs you, she's not a little kid as such anymore, she's a teenager. There's a lot of things that can make a teenage girl uncomfortable around the males in her family. Puberty. Periods. Sexual urges. Contraception. Some girls, no matter how open of a relationship they have with their dads, just can't have "that" conversation with their dad.
Theres a family guy episode, Brian finds out he has a teenage son who's a total jerk! His son's mum dumps the boy on Brian and Brian turned him in to am exemplary young man. The kids mum shows back up because Peter brought her round. Anyway the kid goes back to live with his mum because Brian did a good job at changing him, he realized his mum needed help so went to help her. Could be a similar situation?
This is alot to digest. But I'll tell you something it sounds kinda rich you being annoyed your daughter has gone to live with her mum, when essentially she did the same thing to her mum when running off to live with you.
It's not unusual for kids to be estranged from their parents and rekindle relationships. If you ask me my mum is a huge b*tch! She's non maternal, has a I don't care attitude and is cold, stone cold. We argued and fought while I was growing up, she kicked me out when I was about 13/14 to live with my dad, he threw me in care, mum took me back then kicked me out at 15 👌But you'll never guess what, I turned 18 got my own place, saw her once a week and started kindling a relationship again. When I had my little girl she was round every single day making sure we was okay? We only speak now if it's to do with my siblings.
There's nothing much you can do, apart from be there for your daughter when she needs you, she's not a little kid as such anymore, she's a teenager. There's a lot of things that can make a teenage girl uncomfortable around the males in her family. Puberty. Periods. Sexual urges. Contraception. Some girls, no matter how open of a relationship they have with their dads, just can't have "that" conversation with their dad.
Theres a family guy episode, Brian finds out he has a teenage son who's a total jerk! His son's mum dumps the boy on Brian and Brian turned him in to am exemplary young man. The kids mum shows back up because Peter brought her round. Anyway the kid goes back to live with his mum because Brian did a good job at changing him, he realized his mum needed help so went to help her. Could be a similar situation?
Matter of fact though, this father encouraged them to have a relationship, he didn’t just have his daughter come to live with him and cut off contact with the mother did he?
he said in his OP that mum chose to not send birthday cards etc and hasn’t really made any effort.
he also said he wanted them to have a relationship.
how is it rich coming from him? He’s done nothing to deserve what’s happened. Also his daughter going to live with him is completely different. Mum knew she could still have contact? Have communication with her? Dad is worried he doesn’t even know where his daughters whereabouts is!?
but shock, netmums are going to support the mum in this situation even though she’s the one who has acted unreasonably! If this was a woman posting this they’d be told to contact the police for the child’s whereabouts due to the family circumstances and to seek legal advice to take the matter to court!
don’t you think this dad deserves some support?
Matter of fact though, this father encouraged them to have a relationship, he didn’t just have his daughter come to live with him and cut off contact with the mother did he?
he said in his OP that mum chose to not send birthday cards etc and hasn’t really made any effort.
he also said he wanted them to have a relationship.
how is it rich coming from him? He’s done nothing to deserve what’s happened. Also his daughter going to live with him is completely different. Mum knew she could still have contact? Have communication with her? Dad is worried he doesn’t even know where his daughters whereabouts is!?
but shock, netmums are going to support the mum in this situation even though she’s the one who has acted unreasonably! If this was a woman posting this they’d be told to contact the police for the child’s whereabouts due to the family circumstances and to seek legal advice to take the matter to court!
don’t you think this dad deserves some support?
I agree with your posts here 100% I feel sorry for the partners of some women on here. They don't stand a chance.