Divorce...am I selfish?
8 answers /
Last post: 17/04/2023 at 6:08 pm
Hi, I need advice. I'm going through a difficult time where I might get divorced. There are so many reasons why, but the biggest one right now is that he allowed my best friends husband to use a remote vibrator on me. I didn't want to do it. I told him I didn't but he thought it would be hot and in the end I just gave in. I cried myself to sleep that night. He doesn't want me to leave. He is devastated I want to and won't stop crying! He says he'll never treat me that way again. We have children. Can I put my self worth above their happiness when I know that he is trying to change? How can I hurt them so badly just because I'm hurt? I'm so confused! Please, please help me
Hi Ebony,
I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sending you gentle hugs this morning, I can hear how upsetting this situation is for you.
There seems to be so many questions going through your mind at the moment and frustration with yourself for allowing your boundaries to be crossed in your relationship. This sounds like the most important thing right now for you to be able to unpick and grapple with.
Given what happened with your Husbands' friend, you said, ' Can I put my self worth above their (your children's) happiness when I know that he is trying to change? How can I hurt them so badly just because I'm hurt?' It is too overwhelming to think about everyone else right now when you are hurting Ebony. Try to scale it back to right now and look at the situation between you and your partner. What were the reasons your partner convinced you to do this? Why did you agree to it, was it to please him? Was it because you didn't have the strength to say no? This needs to be really talked through with your partner to get to grips with what happened so you don't allow any crossing of boundaries again that you are not happy with.
I'm wondering what else is going on for you to be thinking about divorce also? Do you still have any connection, fun or intimacy in your relationship? Are your needs being met? It may be worth seeking out a couples counsellor at this time to help you both with this and decide what you would like to do from here. Relate are a great free service offering such advice if you would like to connect with them. Home | Relate .
Children thrive best when they are in a happy environment, whether that be with their parents together or separately so the important thing is to focus on your needs and happiness Ebony.
Hopefully some of our community members will be along shortly too to offer their own help now your thread has been moved into the relationships board.
Do come back and keep chatting to us, let us know how you are.
Take care,
Emma
Hi Ebony,
I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Sending you gentle hugs this morning, I can hear how upsetting this situation is for you.
There seems to be so many questions going through your mind at the moment and frustration with yourself for allowing your boundaries to be crossed in your relationship. This sounds like the most important thing right now for you to be able to unpick and grapple with.
Given what happened with your Husbands' friend, you said, ' Can I put my self worth above their (your children's) happiness when I know that he is trying to change? How can I hurt them so badly just because I'm hurt?' It is too overwhelming to think about everyone else right now when you are hurting Ebony. Try to scale it back to right now and look at the situation between you and your partner. What were the reasons your partner convinced you to do this? Why did you agree to it, was it to please him? Was it because you didn't have the strength to say no? This needs to be really talked through with your partner to get to grips with what happened so you don't allow any crossing of boundaries again that you are not happy with.
I'm wondering what else is going on for you to be thinking about divorce also? Do you still have any connection, fun or intimacy in your relationship? Are your needs being met? It may be worth seeking out a couples counsellor at this time to help you both with this and decide what you would like to do from here. Relate are a great free service offering such advice if you would like to connect with them. Home | Relate .
Children thrive best when they are in a happy environment, whether that be with their parents together or separately so the important thing is to focus on your needs and happiness Ebony.
Hopefully some of our community members will be along shortly too to offer their own help now your thread has been moved into the relationships board.
Do come back and keep chatting to us, let us know how you are.
Take care,
Emma
Thank you for responding. I didn't feel like I could say no anymore. I felt like I needed to be a "kinky" wife for him. I've been unhappy for years and years. I've tried talking to him and suggested marriage councilling, but he always dismissed it and would say he's happy so he can't see why I'm not. After the incident with the vibrator, I got very close to male friend of mine and I'm ashamed to say I had an affair. The thing is though, this other man said to me that he would never treat a girlfriend or wife the way my husband treated me and he was disgusted that anyone could do those things. Now, I've realised it's not all men that treat you like that (I've had bad experiences in the past also) shouldn't I be with someone who doesn't treat me that way? He says he's sorry and it won't happen again, but does that change how I've been feeling for years? Should I change for my children? My husband is so sad about the affair and the fact I've said I still might leave. I feel like I'm breaking so many hearts so I can mend mine! That's selfish, right?
Thank you for responding. I didn't feel like I could say no anymore. I felt like I needed to be a "kinky" wife for him. I've been unhappy for years and years. I've tried talking to him and suggested marriage councilling, but he always dismissed it and would say he's happy so he can't see why I'm not. After the incident with the vibrator, I got very close to male friend of mine and I'm ashamed to say I had an affair. The thing is though, this other man said to me that he would never treat a girlfriend or wife the way my husband treated me and he was disgusted that anyone could do those things. Now, I've realised it's not all men that treat you like that (I've had bad experiences in the past also) shouldn't I be with someone who doesn't treat me that way? He says he's sorry and it won't happen again, but does that change how I've been feeling for years? Should I change for my children? My husband is so sad about the affair and the fact I've said I still might leave. I feel like I'm breaking so many hearts so I can mend mine! That's selfish, right?
Ok so I have questions!! What did your best friend say about it? when and where did it happen like were you all out together at each others houses etc? It's not selfish to leave and mend your own heart your the best version of yourself when your happy and that will make your kids happier xx
A happy mummy = happy children.
I would be running for the hills and not stop running until I was a few sets of hills further away.
you have one chance at life. Live it the way YOU want to. Be happy. That’s not selfish
Thank you for responding. I didn't feel like I could say no anymore. I felt like I needed to be a "kinky" wife for him. I've been unhappy for years and years. I've tried talking to him and suggested marriage councilling, but he always dismissed it and would say he's happy so he can't see why I'm not. After the incident with the vibrator, I got very close to male friend of mine and I'm ashamed to say I had an affair. The thing is though, this other man said to me that he would never treat a girlfriend or wife the way my husband treated me and he was disgusted that anyone could do those things. Now, I've realised it's not all men that treat you like that (I've had bad experiences in the past also) shouldn't I be with someone who doesn't treat me that way? He says he's sorry and it won't happen again, but does that change how I've been feeling for years? Should I change for my children? My husband is so sad about the affair and the fact I've said I still might leave. I feel like I'm breaking so many hearts so I can mend mine! That's selfish, right?
I have to ask. How did this conversation come up between them? Does your best friend know? What else have they been discussing?
Thank you for responding. I didn't feel like I could say no anymore. I felt like I needed to be a "kinky" wife for him. I've been unhappy for years and years. I've tried talking to him and suggested marriage councilling, but he always dismissed it and would say he's happy so he can't see why I'm not. After the incident with the vibrator, I got very close to male friend of mine and I'm ashamed to say I had an affair. The thing is though, this other man said to me that he would never treat a girlfriend or wife the way my husband treated me and he was disgusted that anyone could do those things. Now, I've realised it's not all men that treat you like that (I've had bad experiences in the past also) shouldn't I be with someone who doesn't treat me that way? He says he's sorry and it won't happen again, but does that change how I've been feeling for years? Should I change for my children? My husband is so sad about the affair and the fact I've said I still might leave. I feel like I'm breaking so many hearts so I can mend mine! That's selfish, right?
Hope you’re okay?
as others have asked what about your best friend? Do they know?
Evening just to let you know your not on your own my wife
Helen said she was board at night and was all right to use
a chat line and with me working split shifts i said up to you.
This as been going on for a few months she told me that a group she's been chat with wanted to send her a remote vibrator that they can control from there phone through Helen phone and now she as nights where she uses it with other people ?
Steve.