Need unbiased advice

How old is your son?

Would it be possible for his mum to put him on a train or coach so that he can travel down to see you?

Hi Paul,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - support for dads, so you can get the advice and support you need

He's twelve so still to young to make the trip. Out of interest I checked the journey and it's over 4.5 hours with four changeovers.

Hi Paul,

I'm Emma, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us, it sounds like a challenging situation and you seem to be attempting to accommodate everyone's needs but now it's at the slight detriment of your own relationship with your partner. Have your partner and her children ever come with you at the weekends whilst you see your son, would that be a viable option? Or the possibility of your ex wife bringing your son down to you one weekend out of a month?

If there is no practical solution to this distance then ensuring you and your partner have quality time together is important so you are both feeling connected in the relationship. Do you currently have much time to spend together as quality time where you get to do things you enjoy or go on dates together?

I know your situation will resonate with many other of our Dads out there so hopefully they will be able to reply and share their own experiences also for you.

Do come back and let us know how you are getting along Paul. Hoping you can find a way forward with this for all of your needs.

Take care,

Emma

How often are you going? What is it she is struggling with?

Hi Paul.

If you are happy with the arrangements you've made, which allows the best contact with your son, I say you need to continue it. Explain all this to your girlfriend. Although it's probably frustrating for her, this is your child. What are her issues with this arrangement?

However I do feel and have always said that the parent who moves, needs to take on more of the travelling. And her being unreliable is unacceptable. But unfortunately you just can't make people be fair and reasonable.

Quite honestly if this situation is what works out best for you to have access to your son then she needs to suck it up, it's not like it's every weekend or even every other weekend. Surely as an adult she can manage without you for 2 days out of 21. Whatever she thinks is irrelevant anyway, your son is more important, particularly now he's at such an important stage in his life, they really need consistency and a strong father figure.

What is her problem with it exactly? I can't think of why she would have an issue with it... without knowing the details it sounds like she's being really unreasonable. It's not every weekend, so still plenty of weekends for you spend with her. What does she expect and want you do? Bring him back to your home each time? As you say that means he is having to spend a lot of time travelling and so are you which eats into the short time you have together.

You've not explained what her "point" is? Your solution sounds by far the best so what's her argument against it? In any event its not forever, in 2 years time he might attempt trains alone, or a coach, or a plane. My 2 step kids had to travel to France to see their mum so flew as unaccompanied minors lots. My kid now 13 does trains to London to see them on his own.

Like others have said, I think knowing the reason your partner is unhappy with this arrangement would help.

If her main issue is spending less time with you, that’s one thing. But if it’s the fact her and her children go longer get to see your son anymore, then I totally understand her.

You’ve been together 5 years so I’m guessing her and her kids have got close to your son too and formed a relationship. This new arrangement means he’s no longer part of their lives and I’m sure they’re sad about that.

Whilst I think your arrangement is good on occasion, can you not bring your son home half the time and visit him locally the other half?

In all honesty I think your ex. is the one being unreasonable here. Why on earth was she leaving you waiting for 3 hours?! And asking you to drive closer to hers when she’s the one who moved?! Sounds like you’re putting in all the effort here and she’s making your life as difficult as possible!

There’s up and downs in a relationship and not realising that you are with someone toxic. Your son is blood, regardless of any views you’ve known your child your entire life you should be free to live your life how you choose nobody else…. Just you! ❤️

This is between you and your son, it hasn't really got anything to do with your girlfriend, especially since you don't live together.

If i was you I'd pick him up from mums house but say she has to come to your house to pick up then you're both making equal journeys.

Hi Paul, my partners kids live 200 miles away from us and are almost all adults now, however for the last 7 years I’ve done nothing but support my OH so he can maintain a healthy and regular relationship with his 3 kids. Sometimes that means him travelling down alone , sometimes I go with him and chill in the hotel whilst he has his time with them. It is slightly different circumstances as my partner moved to be with me but tbh I think depending on how regularly you’re going it’s not very supportive of your gf to have an issue with this set up.

Your son is your son and tbh at 12 I think that’s a time a boy needs his Dad around. (I have two grown sons of my own) I wouldn’t adjust things to suit your gf and jeopardise your relationship with your son. If she cares about you she’ll need to adjust to the arrangements you and your ex have arranged for you to maintain the relationship with your son.

Thanks for taking the time to reply Joanna. I work out the visitation around October for the following year, attempting to fit things around work shifts, partners arrangements etc. I try to go down every three weeks or so for the weekend and in the school holidays I try to have him with me or arrange time with his grandparents.