8yo DD behaviour out of control
5 answers /
Last post: 23/03/2023 at 1:47 pm
Writing this because im at the absolute end of my tether and I don’t know what else to do. My 8 year old daughters behaviour at home has become uncontrollable, if she doesn’t get her own way she lashes out and kicks, hits, scratches us. It’s like she can’t see reason and just gets worse, this can last for over an hour and no matter what we does she says “she doesn’t care” and carries on attacking us. We have never been aggressive towards her and we do everything we can to stop her from hurting us without hurting her but it’s like we have no control and she knows it because she knows we can’t do anything. We take things away from her, ground her and set out rules and sanctions but when she is like this its like she’s in a rage that she just can’t get out of and it’s tearing us apart. She’s fantastic at school, well behaved and intelligent but when she’s at home she just loses it. I’m worried about her and it’s putting a strain on the whole family. Has anyone been through anything like this? Is there anything I can do?
Hi Bethan,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - child mental health board, so you can get the advice and support you need
Hi Bethan,
Gosh, this sounds so difficult for all of you.
Have you noticed any patterns Bethan? Such as behaviour changes after being at school all day or after certain activities?
How are the weekends?
When she is calm, is she able to talk to you about how she feels and what is going on for her in those moments?
I wonder if she might find journaling useful? Does she have a notepad that she can write down all of those thoughts and feelings that are surfacing? Perhaps she could write them on paper and rip the paper into small pieces as a way to let some of those emotions go.
Bethan, do you feel it could be helpful to have a chat with her teacher to see if there is a pastoral/wellbeing member of staff who could support her in managing her emotions in a healthy way?
Katie x
Hi Bethan,
I would recommend having a read (or listen) to The Silent Guides from Prof Steve Peters. Basically it is the childrens version of The Chimp Paradox that describes the different aspects of our brain and helps to deal with the emotional intelligence part.
I have gone through bits with my son, explained that we have a Human brain - logic, and a Monkey brain - raw emotions. Following tips from the book I have explained the difference, that whilst emotions are important and a good measure if things are right, in a society we have to let the Human Brain govern our actions, and that sadly she is letting her Monkey Brain govern hers.
Explain that as a mother your main duty is to raise her to become a good woman and she will need to listen to her Human Brain to do this, in order to help her to become a good woman you will have to ignore her when she is using her Monkey Brain. If she wants some response from you, she will have to use her Human Brain and articulate it into calm words as a good young woman would do, then until she does that you will, muster some supernatural powers, and just ignore her as if she does not exist.
As soon as she articulates anything with words in a calm manner you level down to her height and give her your full attention. When she doesen't, in a humorous way, you mention that's the Monkey Brain talking and resume to ignore her. It may take some days, maybe a week but if she does not get under your skin nor attention she will shift to articulating her thoughts through calm words and develop her emotional intelligence.
One thing worth to mention when she is not misbehaving is to ask her in what situations her Monkey Brain normally acts out, to try and antecipate these situations and be aware when she has to control her emotions and not let them control her.
It is hard but worked like a charm to us.
Best of luck
G.
Hi bethan my 8year old boy was the very same lashing out at us all the time and get so angry at the smallest things we tried everything with him and taking away his things did not work it affected my mental health i was crying all the time and so exchausted as i had 4 other kids 2 with Autism until we reached out for help to find out he also had Autism i missed so many signs as he was so different from my other kids which 1 is non verbal and needs constant supervision also all the time plus he was so good in school but they told me he was so overwhelmed by the time he got home and was in his safe place and would just rage and lash out for hours but the school have been so good and cut back his homework and gets breaks from the classroom regularly and more support has made a huge difference in the last few months in him and us that now we understand him better xx